here we go yo- so whats the scenario!

ohhmy.. 2011 is about to go to rest and 2012 here for the new year... looking back on this year has been quite insane... i was pregnant for more than half of 2011, met anderson and fell in love, had a new & different relationship with wilson, completed 2 more semesters of grad school- and here we are, 845 pm on the east coast... in 15 minutes, my east coast roots will be celebrating new years. i remember back in the "hay days"--- when i would be out with friends, having a blast welcoming the new year in, and this year i am on the couch, feet up, with a glass of $7/bottle champagne by my side.
life is what it is, i started doing weight watchers almost 2 weeks ago, this is making me happy and feeling like i am able to get more control of my life and take charge- i look forward to losing the baby weight that has been hanging on, as well as the weight that i gained over the past few years.. i had been doing really well on WW before i had my knee surgery a few years ago- once i had the surgery and couldnt hit the gym as frequent or as much.. so yes.. some of the ideas that i have for the new year, are that i wanna take time for me, starting to put my needs ahead, going to the gym, read magazines that i enjoy and just give myself some time once in a while. i am also going to look to ways to be more thrifty, and try 2nd hand shops, and also recycle our cans and bottles! i know they are silly, but these are things i wanna do.. and i wanna learn to take control of my own life, and make decisions that will be the best for me and my family!...
anderson is amazing, he had been sick for a few weeks and it was exhausting!!! he was unhappy, making it hard on us, but now hes back to normal and is so incredible.. he is growing by leaps and bounds, he has started to sit by himself, and doesnt fall over.. hes starting to play with block, loves his exersaucer and jumping up and down on it or our laps.. he will be 6 months on the 5th- thats great, because now he can go to the gym w/ us and stay at the daycare there and i can workout! yaaaaay!!...
my mom is here, and has been here for almost 2 weeks, its a good and bad thing, she can drive me nuts, we live in a small apt and so the place can feel cramped, she asks a million questions about everything and i feel like she asks the same questions over and over, but the good thing is that she is building a relationship with anderson, she takes him in the morning so i can sleep in, and is here to just help out...
ive been thinking about getting my hair cut and colored. going back to having pink highlights and then a shorter hair cut.. i feel like my hair is getting long and i am happy about that, but at the same time, i just put it in a ponytail or messy bun every day, so whats the point of that?..
ok, its almost 12!!!
here is to 2012!!!... cant wait to see what this coming year has in store!! <3

amazing

AAAAAMAZING BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel soo soo lucky... anderson is incredible. thank you god. 

life..

in so many ways life is amazing, i see anderson and i smile. the way he smiles and coos when he sees me is amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything, at the same time i find my (our) relationship with wilson way different. we have nothing to talk about, dont spend time together, he doesnt sleep in the bed with me (anderson and i wake him up), and i feel no connection. ive really been trying to have this connection, being he is the father of anderson and we are married, but the more i force it, the less i feel. we had a serious talk, and i let him know how i really feel, and promises were made (arent they always) and we started to see a couple from our church who work with alot of couples who are having a tough time. we went 2 times so far, and i felt hopeful... but then at the same time i felt like wilson was putting on a show, cause once we got home he was flustered that i had told our business to them. (how else are they gonna help??!!!!)  things are just like a rollercoaster and im not sure i can keep up, and that scares me on many levels...
i started back to the gym, which has been great, helping me feel alive and better about myself, so thats good. its just finding the time & energy, ya know?.. i really thought id be in better shape by now, i look at myself and get soo soo disgusted, but then i go and eat gross stuff, like a block of cheese or snickers icecream bars.. why?! who knows?!.. cause im an emotional eater, i guess.. i dont find myself hungry, but then i eat. i ear for a variety of reasons.. i wont be hungry but then i realize its been HOURS and hours since ive eaten,  so then i eat because they say thats important cause of the breastfeeding, and then there are times im Starving!!!! but overall i eat just to eat (gross!!) and this makes me hate myself more..
well, husbands on the couch sleeping - cause hes mad at me, and baby is asleep. i guess ill go to night-night land too... heres to hoping life gets better

time goes by too fast

Not sure the last time i wrote, i think it was the end of July.... and here we are in September... Holy Cow!!! Anderson is 2 months old, today he got his 2 month shots.. weighing in at 12.3lbs and 22.7 inches. he is GROWING!!!!!!!!! 
life is life, and its busy!!! i started school at the end of august and then my internship. so class is 2 to 3 nights a week and then the internship is 16hrs a week, plus homework, house stuff and Anderson!!eeek! thank goodness wilson is around and can help,. that too has been an adjustment, he went from having lots and lots of free time for himself (since i wasnt in school yet) to me really, really needing his help!! sometimes i think about leaving school, but thats not realistic. our housing is linked through the school and so if im not in school then we lose the house, which would not be cool, and i really think that this is the last of my schooling, a masters is enough for me.. i may look into another certification, to work in public schools, but i just dunno! so yeah, Anderson will be just under 2 when im done and thats ok.. then  will have lots and lots of time with him...
i have to admit that our relationship is way different now, and wilson was much different when i was pregnant and when i asked him about it, he said that "pregnancy is a vert delicate thing and i was fragile" well, what about now?!... so yeah, we have changed.. im in bed around 1030/11 most nights and thats around the time that he is coming home from work.. and then in the AM i wake up around 830 with the baby and he sleeps in, and so we're kinda on opposite schedules... and its been hard for us... 
my mom left in early august and so its really been on us to care for Anderson and really without help, yes we have great friends and support but we cant just call on them all the time for help.. 
my aunt & unlce came last saturday thru wednesday night and it was so great to see them, and they both have lost alotta weight and it was a really great incentive for me, i need to lose weight and be healthier in so many ways. wilson and i are trying to come up w/ a schedule so that i can hit the gym once in a while.. if i could go 3 days a week id be happy.. happy that im going  & happy with myself.. but sometimes im soo tired i just wanna be home, on the couch, taking it easy... 
ive been doing the math, if i try to get pregnant again in february, i will have baby #2 in late november, which would allow me to have some time off for winter break w/ the baby and to recover.. otherwise, ill wait till fall time of next year to try and then have the baby soon after i graduate in summer of 2013.. insane i know to think about having baby #2,but since the pregnancy is so long, ya gotta think of it... i mention it to wilson, but he doesnt say much.. i guess we have a lil time before we really talk about it and i need to see how things go here with us and anderson... i just know that i am 30.. and i would like to have 2 babies before im heading back into the work place after im done with school..... i gots some thinking to do!!! ok, well its waaay past my bed time.. and im going to work tomorrow.. first day back with my family (im a nanny)....its only 6 hrs and i get to take anderson with me.. so itll be an experience!!! im hoping to keep up with my blogging, so that i have an outlet.... 

Ohhmy!!

Not sure how to rotate this.. but first family picture. Anderson is 1 month old!

Where has the time gone?!!?!.. its been 3 weeks since ive written- not like anyone really reads this.. but its now mommyland!!!
Baby Anderson arrived on July 5th-- a very sweet, perfect baby boy!!! I was induced on that Sunday, July 3rd...and he came in to the world at 3:03 July 5th. It has been an amazing experience, and i am so blessed. My mom was able to come to to the hospital just 24 hours after he was born.. we were able to come home that thursday, and we have adjusted quite well.. ive been feeling  pretty good, i think that the adrenaline was holding me up for at least the first week, if not longer.. having to be up lots at night has been an adjustment and naps in the day have been crucial. 
i have to admit that i am soo soo on love with Anderson, he is amazing, sweet and just perfect.. i feel so blessed... 
i feel like im adjusting well, wilsons busy with work and we hate to see him go to work... we wish he could stay home and play with us all day.. the days go by so quick and i dont want him to miss anything... 
ive lost quite a bit of weight, around 25-27 lbs, out of the 37 i gained... not bad in 3 weeks,but my body is not the same... and im trying to be okay with it... i just birthed the most amazing baby boy, so its ok and i will get back in shape.. ive started to take short walks with the dogs, mom and anderson... but ill wait till 6 weeks or close to it to hit the gym.. i should really ramp up my walking and just get that exercise.... 
i went to the drs (reg dr) she said i can start exercising and watching what i eat now... im hoping to do WW soon and get back into eating better... i see pictures of me right before i had the baby and ohhhmgoooood!!! can you say WHALE?!?!... how could wilson let me outta the house ?!.. ughhhhh 


-- its taken me weeks to post this and write this... but i guess thats being a momma!!

Tic Toc Goes the Clock!!

Yep.. thats us.. the clock is ticking... i have been having some fluid leaking (tmi) and was just thinking it was part of pregnancy.... but in talking to our birth coach teacher she encouraged me to call the drs.. i did so and went in yesterday, to find out that my amniotic fluid had been leaking for a few days!!!!! Oooopps!.. so yeah, we had to come up with a plan.. im 2.5-3cms dilated, 70% effecaced and just kinda waiting it out.. the plan is that if my water doesnt break and i dont start constant contractions by tomorrow late morning, we need to head into the birthing center for some tests and most likely an induction.. the fluid is leaking and we cant keep waiting since bubble needs that fluid.. all kinda insane and scary.. the clock is moving and i feel stuck!!.. my mom doesnt come till tuesday late night, so i thought i had some time on my hands to clean the house, organize,  and just feel more ready, but thats not the case.. 
so tomorrow were gonna go to the early service at church, grab a nice big lunch and head into the birthing center. looks like itll just be wilson and myself.. no mom.. and thats ok, of course in many ways i want her with me, by my side to see this lil love enter the world, but theres nothing i can do about it.. imnot nervous, but i am.. im anxious thinking about what life is gonna be like, will i be able to bounce back?.. ive been watching the scale continually go up,  and now will i be able to see it go down? how long would it take?.. can i lose more?.. all these silly things i worry about.. 
i started summer class today- supposed to be 9-5... thankfully she let us out WAAAAAY early today.. which was fantastic.. and then we will see how the next month goes, im kinda asking alot of myself, a new born and a summer class all day.. but ill do what i can. 
ok, off to get motivated and pull last minute things together!!! i guess the next time i write, ill either be a mommy.. or waiting for the arrival of bubble!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Exhaustion has set in....

Yesterday became 37 weeks... so Bubble is now "full term" and we have our weekly appt tomorrow, and we will see where we go from there... we will see if i have dilated more and what the plan of action is. Overnight bags are packed, sitting at the edge of the couch, and waiting to be taken w/ us.. we installed 1 of the baby carseats into my car (the main car bubble will be in), we need to take it to the police station to make sure that it is installed correctly- all in all, i think we're doing well on this timeline... 
Ive been trying to keep up on things, and not let the house completely fall apart... It was a busy weekend, we had Cassies wedding and so that took up most of friday and then saturday.. it was nice, wilson and i havent seen each other much, and so when we were at the wedding eating lunch, it was like we were in our own world, on a date... we talked about life, plans for the next few days and such, like noone was there.. the one thing i wish the wedding has, was music for dancing.. i love dancing with wilson and wished we had time to dance.. like i mentioned, i havent been able to see much of wilson, the 2 jobs are keep him busy and it drives me nuts.. i am used to his old job, about 25hrs a week, and lots of time to play together!!! today is his only day off, poop. we've made plans to have some photos done tonight of us, as the pregnancy shots... i wish i looked differently pregnant, but cant do anything about it.. i was able to obtain my pre-pregnancy weight, and according to the drs office, ive gained 33lbs.. in someways, i dont feel like i look like ive gained that much.. but then ill see pictures of me, and im like holy shit!.. i look like a cow!... not impressed... one of my friends had a baby about 3 weeks ago and of course she looks like she NEVER even had a baby, and although i can want that, i feel like im not that lucky, but i sure will try.... 
my left arm is starting to go numb, my mom said it happened to her too.. the mammory glads are getting full and can cause circulation problems.. and speaking of circulation.. my feet are looking sexxxxxxy... got me some kankles.. yummy..  but in the end, we will have a lil sweet baby in my arms and it will be well worth it.. 
i cant wait. ok, off to rest.. because i get so tired, even after just running a few errands.. 

a world wind past few days....

Home from the bachorlette party....and i survived it... it was an interesting time... i mean it was good over all, it was interesting being that i was sober.. and one of the only outings/parties where i haven't been drinking.. i get anxious around people, social settings and people that i dont really know... so we met sat morning, did pedicures, lunch, frozen yogurt and then we hit SF.. did dinner, strip clubs and a bar... i went back to the hotel w/ 2 other girls around midnight (exhausted w/ swollen feet!!!) meanwhile, amongst the business i had noticed that Bubble hadn't really moved.. and so i kept a close eye on this, Bubble hadnt really moved friday night at bed time (i chalked it off to nerves), and all of saturday. By Sunday i was not feeling great and worried about Bubble. I called the ob office and they directed me to go to the local hospital UCSF right away, go to labor and delivery (eeeekkk!!!) and get things checked.. so to make a long story short, Bubble was fine.. Fluid levels were excellent and a good heart beat.. so they're not sure whats going on, and perhaps the baby is just getting squished.. Of course after the trip to the hospital, i felt reassured and better.. So, on with the bachorlette party, did lunch, haight ashbury, shopping and headed home... To top things off, we got home i made a sandwich got on the couch and Bubble went nuts, moving all over the place!! seriously?!!.. bratty baby and not even born yet!!
So yeah- that was Sunday... todays Tuesday.. and had my 36 week check up.. had a long ultrasound session and got to see Bubble from all different angles.. apparently this baby has lots of hair!! they could see it in the ultrasound!! ohh geez, that must be some head of hair!!!.. so Bubble looks to be around 6lbs 11oz so far, good length and heart beat... and THEN... when the Dr. went to check me, she informed me that i am 1.5cm dilated!!!!...wow... insane.. she said that i can prolly hang on for another 2 weeks or so, but i she doesnt think ill make it to my due date of july 17th...  so of course i was in shock! called wilson @ his work, he was over joyed and kinda freaked! My mom wont be in till July 5th, and i really hope Bubble can hold on until then!!.. 
This has lit a fire under my a$$ and i assume wilsons too.. i did some of Bubble's laundry tonight, bed sheets and such so we can be somewhat prepared!!
Some of the bachorlette pics were just posted.. ughh, looking at myself really gets me down.. i feel huge.. i look huge and its just so sad feeling.. im hoping that i will be able to lose some weight instantly, and then get back on track with losing the baby weight and perhaps even more... i had been trying to lose weight when i conceived, so hopefully i can lose another 30 lbs after the baby weight!.. 
A friend of ours just had her baby in early june, and of course she looks fantastic in her bikini, i mean she looked good pre baby and so now, shes back to normal, i have to admit it makes me jeans.. everyone keeps telling me im "all belly" (what does that mean??!!).. and so maybe that belly will just drop right off.. a girl can dream right?!.. 

ok, ill keep the blog posted on whats taking place!!.. and keep Bubble and i in your thoughts!

experiment!

Finally thought i'd try to upload a picture.... this is Bubble at 20 weeks... tomorrow we will get the 36 week ultrasound. it'll be great to compare!!!!

8 down, 1 to go!!

ok, so today i was in a meeting, went to sign some papers and realized... holy canoli!!.. ONE month from TODAY, is bubbles due date.... holy sh*t is really the more appropriate phrase.. ya know from what i hear from others, i feel good, but at the same time, im feeling tired, uncomfortable (like i ate too much) and just kinda unmotivated.... i feel like the day races by and all too often ive done nothing!.. it kills me.. iml looking more and more pregnant, which makes me feel good cause maybe people dont just think im fat, but at the same time, i feel huge and kinda gross... people are telling me that i am "all belly" whatever that means, so im hoping that itll be easy for me to lose the baby weight and maybe some more!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is one of my good friends bachelorette parties in SF, should be a nice time...in some ways i just wanna lay on my couch and go nowhere! but itll be fun and an outing before baby comes.. its kinda tricky cause i only know 1 girl (besides the bride) and i get anxious around people, and one girl who i dont know very well just crawls under my skin and makes me nuts.. so im like, ohh lordy, 36 hrs w/ this girl.. and i cant even drink!!!
life is good overall, the main family that i sit for is gonna come to an end for a while.. monday will be my last night with them for sometime.. im not sure when/how ill make it back to them. thats something that we will need to figure out once baby comes, and my pregnancy disability runs out!!! thats one thing i am super excited about... my dr. really advocates that we file for it, and so im gonna try and see what happens. 
wilson and i are back to our corny old selves, we went to the baby class which helped bring us together, and then we he didnt have to work doubles, he started sleeping back in the bed, and he said that he was missing me soo much that he sleeps there every night, which makes me a happy happy girl... he was holding me the other night and i was sound asleep, but i guess he could feel the baby moving all around, which really made him happy... he's still working alot, which is hectic and hard for us, but today was his last day of the 2 week training, so hopefully he will be around more in the day, we can go back to the gym and have some time together..... next week is insane, drs appt and lots to do and then at the end of the week, its cassies wedding :) it'll be nice to go together and then after the wedding, life will calm down... time to rest. and then mom will be here the night of july 5th... when wilson and i realized its only a month to go, we've realized that our list to do is large and we need to get a move on it!! but then we laughed, once mom is here.. she will be helpful too, so we can procrastinate more!.. 
i dont know if i mentioned this in my other blog, but ive decided that were gonna take some pregnancy photos.. i wasnt going to, but if i dont i think ill regret it. and wilson agrees its a good idea, and maybe itll help me see the beauty in my body, holding this baby...... 
ok, time to pack and bed.. getting ready to take on SF at 36 weeks pregnant... lol.... 

More bitter than sweet.

Yep. That's how ima feeling these days! Its been a myriad of things, in some ways i feel so secluded and alone, and in other ways im annoyed that im busy. this past weekend (friday thru monday) i worked, and as a nanny/sitter my job is not that strenuous but still, i ended up working like 25 hrs in 4 days, for a girl who hasnt been working much- thats alot!! so of course i had a lil pity party for myself, and to make things more icky, wilsons been working alot, he started training for a 2nd job, and this is the first job hes ever had where has a training for 2 weeks, 9-4 5 days a week, and then after that he goes to work.. so to say the least hes been cranky, tired and were not seeing each other. we're the annoying couple that does everything together, and i think that is why im feeling lonely and alone. hes been in a funk for a few days now, which is just crappy. apparently i  was snoring one night and so now he sleeps on the couch- how charming. i cant help it, the dr said its from the pregnancy and the way they baby is sitting...so now i sleep with a dog or 2 in the bed, and i miss him.. i just feel like were growing apart at a time in our lives when we should be bonding and getting closer...  hes not sure if his main job is gonna work out, because the 2nd job is asking more of him, and so he went to talk to them and they werent sure..... i knew this would happen and feel annoyed and frustrated.. i told him this would happen and that the 2nd job isnt solid so dont burn all his bridges, but as a man who doesnt listen, he does the opposite and now- who knows where we're at... 
sitting at 34 1/2 weeks, insane.. we start our baby classes tonight, which will be exciting and im sure overwhelming at the same time. each wednesday night for the next 5 weeks!!!! then itll be time for bubble's arrival!!!.. i booked my moms ticket for july 6th, so thats good. one more thing done.. and then bubble can arrive any time after she is here... ive found my exercise routine is taking longer and happening less, i am in love with the couch- which is unlike me, but i just cant help it. it can be such a relief to sit down and just take it easy... im only going to work till 36 weeks for my one family, because they live 90 mins away and i dont wanna risk anything.. so thatll be 2 more mondays of work and im done.. after that is a friends wedding, summer school, & moms arrival.. so things will stay busy till babys arrival.. 
i wish i didnt feel so bitchy & negative.. all so often when people are like this i think "god, just stop it, life is amazing, be positive" but now here i am the crab... ive found myself crabby & kinda depressed, so im going to talk to the midwife about it on friday and see what she says, im thinking its just a rush of millions of hormones hitting me and my emotions are just all over the place.. 
time to get ready for the baby class, if only i could go in my cozy bathrobe.... 

the crazy panic anxiety train is here....

yep. the crazy, panic, hormonal, anxiety train is here.. and i am on it!!! ive been getting excited about the arrival of Bubble, but at the same time feeling so critical of myself and unsure what is to come in life. so let me back up, give you a warning: i am nuts!! and then let you know about whats been going on, ok- so we have some neighbors who are super sweet!.. they have a lil girl who is about 5 months old, "annielu." they always bring us over lil snacks and food and come to see how im feeling, their dog also plays with one of ours, so we see them on a frequent basis..but anyways, the other day they came over and we all were just talking and i found myself feeling distant from annilu, i had no real interest in playing with her, or holding her.. i thought that was weird,but didnt think much about it.. so today they came over & asked if we could watch her for a lil while while they were packing (theyre moving) of course we said yes, and wilson was ALL over annilu, i mean i find it to be cute, sweet and wonderful because it gives me a glimpse of how he will be with our kids (AMAZING!!) but at the same time, the same feeling of distance came over me.. i ended up giving her some of her bottle and while she fussed i rocked her to sleep.. one would think, as a woman who is about to have a baby; that i would be eating this up.. but nope- it was the opposite.. on the inside i was freaking out.... the most insane thoughts were running through my mind, like "should i call an adoption agency?!" "if im not loving this baby, how can i or will i love my baby?", "shes cute and all but i dont love her!".... so of course these feelings continued.. in talking w/ a friend she said that she had some similar feelings and thoughts as she went to deliver her baby!.. i was like phewww, but still felt weird inside. wilson and i went to our godsons pre-k graduation.. as we got there and were waiting for it to begin, we talked about how i was feeling, he said he could sense a feeling of distance w/ me and annilu, and continued to try and comfort me by telling me what a great mom ill be, that im caring, etc... yes, of course its great to hear these things, but at the at same time im not sure i believe him.. seeing our godkids made me feel better, i love them & love seeing them. baby victor (our 1st godchild) is 5, and we have known him since he was born, and so we have a special connection with him, like he is our son.. his mom & i were in college together when she got pregnant.. and so its been a long time and a special bond..
i guess as the countdown goes on, feelings like this will continue.. i was thinking about talking to the dr. some, letting her know that im feeling a bit depressed and try to prevent any post partum depression that may occur.. my mom and i both have had issues with depression and i wanna do my best to be there for the baby and not feel so distant and sad.
im feeling fat & gross (again) for a lil while i was feeling okay about myself and my body, but not lately... especially today, when i was trying on an outfit for the graduation, i was soo soo disgusted with how i looked in the mirror.. gross! i could have picked out 100 parts of my body that i dont like.. my arms look so huge and i just look like i have a fat gut, no baby.. just gut... of course i found this article that was talking about loving your body,but i think its easier said than done..
im trying to work as much as i can these days, this past weekend i worked 3 days and then this weekend ill work friday-monday, so thats good. im trying to save money as much as i can, so we can pay for my moms ticket, and just the usual bills... wilsons job is good, but hes not making nearly as much as he used to- so itll be an adjustment...
so yeah, im on board my crazy train, and im hoping to be off it soon.

Im'a Trying....

Baaaaamm!! 32 weeks has come!!
 thats 8 months, with a very serious countdown happening now!!
went for our visit the other day, met with the last of the midwives, she was super nice, calm and made me feel much better.... i started crying, i worry about Bubble- as i look around i see all of these other pregnant woman who look bigger than i am, way more pregnant and i started thinking that i have done something to Bubble, making it so that he/she is not growing right.... all of my insecurities and issues had transferred into this baby..but that is not the case!!.. she told me that im measuring on track, and the baby even measures a lil big!!.. pheww!! so that was a relief, my tiredness is normal and to be expected and everything seems to be in order... ive been trying to pull a few things together for the babys room, found some of my old baby books & put them in the shelves, the jungle stickers are up on the wall near the changing table and it looks more baby like.. im trying to be productive, on whatever level i can.. im gonna start making a list of things that i would like to do and work on, and get to them when i can... made it to the gym today, but reality has hit me that i need a new swimsuit- but swimsuit shopping when your 8 months pregnant and self conscious is not a fun thing.. i feel gross, fat and like a whale.. all these articles tell me not to think like that, and embrace the baby and body change.. but it can be hard to do.  im trying to think good thoughts and sometimes i just wish that i would really look pregnant & not just fat.. cause in my eyes, i dont look 8 months pregnant.. ohh well.. not much i can do about that. 
so yeah, im trying to get to the gym when i can, do things around the house and in general so that i feel like i accomplish things and im not such a blob. 
wilson, is amazing, when i feel down and out he is there.. there with a smile, a hug or just tells me something that makes me smile and feel better. i feel so lucky & fortunate to have a husband like him to be with me though out life and this journey. Bubble (and future children) will be so lucky to have a dad like him... 
speaking of dads- i dont speak to mine, he was my rock and idol for years, but that hasnt been the case in a long, long time.. but anyways, lately i have been having feelings and thoughts about telling him that i am pregnant (hes the only family member that doesnt know!!).. ive written him a letter, yet to mail it, but i think the time is almost there. i guess once i send it, we will have to see where things go.... and how he responds and feels about this. being that i am his only biological child, this will be his only biological grandchild.. 
ok, time for some 4 cheese lasagna... yummmy!! its one of the only things i can make!!
night night!

slowly but surely...

Just got back in from a great lil trip.. a girlfriend from college is about to have a baby, shes staying in northern cali for her delivery and for a few weeks, with no school i was able to take advantage of the time and went to see her.. its about a 4.5 hour drive, through the bay area and tons of vineyards... soo nice.. anyways.. it was great to see Heather and just kick back.. the weather was great, and so we spent alot of time outside!!.. we walked all around the downtown area, and ate lots!!!.. it was great.. went to bed early, woke up early to walk to breakfast, take a walk, lie by the pool, went for another walk, a tour of a buddist university, lunch and then headed home!!.. 
although it was nice being gone, in the sun & catching up with heather, its good to be home.. wilson put together the shelving unit that one of our friends gave us, its great, because now we can organize the clothes & cloth bins so that things are neater... and then i put up some of the jungle animal stickies on the way, above the changing table and on the wall... amazing how a small change can make such a difference in the room... over the next few weeks, i wanna open the other boxes of stuff and organize it better... we're going to put up the crib and then start doing the laundry... im glad im able to start ahead alil, since i feel like time is flying... .
i signed up to take a summer class- in july.. yup.. same month that the baby is due.. but its only once a week and my professor knows im due, and this will lighten my course load later on.. so the good news is that its only 4 saturdays in july, the rest is online..and hopefully ill be able to hang on and feel good.. 
been feeling good, a bit tired and discouraged at times, but thats ok... at almost 8 months,  i think being tired is ok.. but sometimes, as i look at my body, i feel a bit down.. i see changes in my body that haven't been that great. im feeling fat- and not that pregnant... seeing heather with her belly, made me jealous.. she looks great. no cellulite, nice big round belly and just looks pregnant- not fat... why cant that be me?!.. last week, or was it the week before, i was good, sticking to the gym.. and doing well, but then sometimes, i just fall off the wagon.. time to get back on.. tuesday is my 32 week check up.. hoping for no more 6lb increases!!.. 
i did the birthing center tour this past monday- its nice!!.. but at the same time, scary.. like holy cow, this is real- the baby is coming & is gonna come out of ME!!.. eeeek... but yeah, back to the birthing center, its seems nice, its small & personal.. and its all about the mother & her needs and plans.. 
ok, time for bed, its been a long day!!!.. xoxo

Moving forward and feeling stuck-

well, the good news is that i finished my first  year of grad school, and only 2 years left.. in the spectrum of life, the year went by pretty quick.. lots of hiccups and times i questioned if i wanted to be in the program, but all in all, its done with.. and if i can stick with it for another 2 years, ill have my masters and be able to have the jobs that i have often dreamed of, and hopefully we will be moving up to the bay area and starting a new kind of life.. one with our family and good jobs.. as well as living in the city!!!.. we miss the city life, in so many ways.. the ability to walk places, have different types of foods and just enjoy city life.. but anyways- yes. i need to keep that goal in my mind so that i can move forward thru school... so yeah- last night was my last night of class, all papers, projects & presentations have been completed, and i can enjoy my days, without having to go to class at 6pm.. i will be taking a summer class in july, to balance out my course load- thatll be interesting, as i will be about ready to pop!!.. ive already made plans with my professor so that when i have the baby, i can miss class & if need be- bring Bubble with me to class or have wilson or my mom bring Bubble in for a feeding.. 
it was my first day off, and it was a busy one!!.. tomorrow is my Cali baby shower..although my friend is throwing it for me & has done sooo soo much of the work, there were still some things to do today.. then i cleaned up the house a bit- as we will have a lil company over after the shower.. one of my best friends Weiling will spend the night, and her house is always clean and i hate feeling like i have to try to make the house nice and make things so i dont feel embarrassed... anyways, shes so cute & sweet.. she has booked us a spa day for sunday, she got me the prenatal massage and i am soo sooo looking forward to it.. back to the shower, itll be nice to see all these girls, i think theres about 30 coming!! some i havent seen in a long time.. but at the same time- i get anxious, i really feel weird being the center of attenetion and having to entertain people...
 i feel good for the most part, no complaints....except for my hips, groin & back...  i asked the dr. about the pain- its all normal and the baby is moving its way down, and the joints start getting loose.. woa!!!! 
so i had my 30 week check up, alls well... met with the 2nd midwife the other day, it was weird- shes mentioning about packing a bag & being ready.. and im like WOAH!!! wait up!!! im not ready!!.. how can this be?!... and i know shes talking about just being prepared and all that- but it seems too soon.  before i know it, Bubble will be out of my belly & into my arms...
wilsons found a new job, so things are looking up, but at the same time.. sometimes i wonder if my expectations or needs for what i want in wilson are too much.. i love him dearly, he is soo amazing and loving, but at the same time, i get so hurt when i dont see him changing...  who am i to tell him he has to change?.. its not my business to be airing his business, but i guess it does just affect me, and i worry about what life will be like... i only want the best for him and us... 
ok, time to rest & then hit the hay.. big, long day tomorrow!!

30 is here, AGAIN!!

30 is here again... and well since my 30th birthday passed a month ago, im talking about Baby Bubble. Exciting times, sitting at 7.5months!!!. I was laying down today (what i do lots) and was telling wilson that in a way im going to be sad once Bubble is out of my belly, its been such a great time and its been special, Bubbles been with me at all time and then itll be different once Bubble is here, of course im excited to meet this lil one and move to the next part of our lives...
30 weeks or almost 30 weeks is going well, feeling big! the tummy is starting to show more and more and wilson laughs at the way im walking and getting up.. im not sure how i feel about things, in alot of ways and times, i dont think i look pregnant yet, just fat..and that makes me self conscience. But to see wilsons expressions and excitement when he sees Bubble growing makes me feel good inside. 
so yeah, alls well... the final week is looking at me point blank in the face, i feel pretty good about it, for once.. i have 3 papers due. ive done 1 in its entirety, another is almost done; its a good solid draft and then the last paper & presentation will get started tomorrow.. itll be quite the adjustment once school is over with, ill have even more free time than i have.. should be interesting. ive contacted a few of the families that i sit for to let them know i am available... wilson and i talked, i think that ill work for all families until 36 weeks, then im just gonna take a break and wait it out till Bubble comes. A good friend is getting married so we have a bachelorette party when im 36 or 37 weeks and then her wedding the week after, so those activities will keep me busy enough. 
life is getting back on track, wilson has found 2 jobs... and has taken both of them, hes started training for the one restaurant and then did his paperwork for the other one today. the one hes started is only open in the nights, so hes gonna try to balance both jobs for as long as he can... we will survive no matter what, but its nice to know that things are working out.. its been really nice having him at home, but at the same time...work & productivity is good. im kind of hoping that he will only do both jobs till Bubble comes, but we will see. 


ok- time to focus on the kick count!!!... night! <3


and for anyone random who is reading this- pls send positive fertility thoughts to my cousin.. at babytalk. shes 
waiting for her 2week window to see if her iui worked :) 

Ups, downs and all around...

its just been over a week since i last blogged... and well, what a week its been!!!... ive been super sensitive (crying at the drop of a hat), peeing every 5-10 mins, and things have just been hectic. Wilson came home early from work on saturday, announcing that he would be looking for a new job, i was a wreck.. in so many ways... i had felt like we had a pretty good routine with his job, they knew that the baby was coming, and we had talked about taking some mini babymoons before baby came... i blamed myself since we had been on rough terms for a few days. anyways, after going for a nice walk, crying and talking things through, we were better. we can overcome anything, we have had real rough times before... where we didnt know where our money was going to come from, our marriage was shaky and we conquered these, so we know we can overcome anything.. so, things have been better since then, and i know in my heart that the right job will come along and things will be okay. that was that.. schools coming to an end, thank goodness- im looking forward to having a summer, i may take a summer class so that i can be in school less next semester when Bubble is around... hard to believe that time is going by so quickly, not sure what im going to do all summer- i think im going to cut back any babysitting once i get to 36 weeks, just in case.. today is 29 weeks, so i have a while to go till 36weeks..
Motivation came over us today and we rearranged the bedrooms, were making it so that we have the larger room, so we can have room for the crib with us and then the guest room/office will kinda be a baby room but kinda not.. not really sure where were going with that, but we will see.. so anyways, wilson was moving our very heavy mattress and it hit the tv screen, i freaked and went to grab the mattress and my fertility goddess went and hit the tv in the corner.. yup.... the one and only tv we have- it seemed real bad in the beginning, the tv didnt work at all, i cried.. appologized over and over again, and felt horrible.. wilsons just telling me its ok, just a tv, blah blah blah.. but i couldnt get over it.. anyways. i ran an errand, came back and the tv was on, yes, there is a large rainbow streak down the side, but the picture is there for the most part... sometimes it just feels like its one thing or another.. but i guess thats life...
so yes 29 week.. im feeling great, but feeling large... its like this big belly thing is in my way and can be a real pain, but then wilson reminds me that its Bubble and we have to love on the belly..
exhaustion has really been setting in, i think its par for the course, but still... i gotta get thru the next 2 weeks of school and then i can sleep all i want....
ok, i have lots to do and have to be up early... heres to having a husband who amazes me all the time... and hormones that make life an adventure!!

sensitive and unsure.

im going to blame everything on hormones, cause i dont know what else to blame things on... i just feel kind of insecure... unattractive, unwanted and just sad... 
we have company right now, a friend from vegas with her 2 pups... we dont mind her company, just cause shes so laid back and is really here just to take the dogs to the beach, relax and get away... but at the same time- whenever we have company, or for the most part- wilson gets kinda cranky, and it just makes things weird, he can be hard to please and likes things the way they are without company... i know and see where hes coming from, that yes, company can be a hassle and you have to be somewhat accommodating but at the same time- give me a break. and how is he gonna be when the baby is here?.. the baby will be another person in our home and for a long time!! and will that somehow adjust our relationship? will he see the baby as a hassle?.. i usually feel like hes very excited and happy about the baby, and maybe its just me... 
the end of the semester is RIGHT around the corner, and i think thats part of my anxiety, i have lots to do, and feel unmotivated, i have a professor who is being mean to me about missing a class when i was sick and the dr. told me that i couldnt go to class, its like great- the never ending battle with him doesnt seem to be coming to an end soon. im really looking forward to school ending, itll be a nice break time and hopefully ill have motivation to do things and prepare for Bubble.. our plan is to start working on the switch of rooms when our friend leaves... 
OMG, peeing, is out of control!!!... insane, i really feel like i cant stop peeing, once i sit down i realize i gotta go again and its driving me nuts!! awesome!.. 
saw the dr. for our check up the other day, alls on track!.. and doing well, ive gained about 23 lbs and she said thats great!.. i feel huge, but not pregnant huge, not that cute belly huge, but that "ohh does she drink alotta beers & eat junk food?" pregnant. i guess that also plays into my crazy insecurties,  i feel unattractive and icky.. i know deep down and in the end wilson loves me more than anyone else does, but right now its really bothering me and  i feel lost... i feel like i probably bother him w/ so many other things im not sure if i wanna bring it up or just ignore it.. 
ok- time to pee and work on thank you cards for my shower!!
night!

shes right.....

as i was walking the pups today, i was thinking about my pregnancy, the blog and how fortunate i have been in my life now and with this pregnancy... here i am writing these silly lil entries and then i read about these women who are trying for years and years to conceive, and here i go, within a few months of having unprotected whoopie, i get pregnant.. i think of my cousin and some friends who have been trying long and hard to have a baby, their strength and perseverance amaze me, and i dont want them to think that they are going unthought of,  i am grateful for what i have, and can only hope others can share in the same joys of life as me. 

yes, i did..

now, since noone really reads my blog, they wont be thinking .. she did what?!... but i guess that the beauty of this, i can say whatever i want and noone will read it, or noone i know!!! (except my cousin sarah)... so, anyways back to the story.. we were on one of our costco binges the other day, buying everything they had in stock when we went down the sock & underwear isle.. and what did i buy?.. yes.. granny panties.. some nice, full coverage underwear... and i tried them on today-holy moly!! can you say cozy?!... yes.. i think i will be leaving victoria secrets behind for some time and buying my undies from costco wholesale...i hear and read all these things about after the baby and how i will be wearing my lovely period diaper and underwear and what more could i want post baby than cozy undies?!.. 
life is life, i hate complaining of having poopie things happening, but thats kinda how its been the last 2 days.. 
i guess i should back up, 30 is here!.. 30 came on monday, we had a nice lazy day and then i was gone in the afternoon, but tuesday we had made plans to have a BBQ/ dinner party.... we had about 15 friends over, carne asada, tamales, and yummy foods. we ate lots and just enjoyed friends company, for some reason i found it to be stressful, we cleaned up (last minute) and thats what got me, i was stressed about people coming over, getting everything done in time, etc and of course things were fine.. i get awkward about hosting events, and feel like a balancing clown... its interesting to see how the dynamics of our friends have changed, there were about 4 couples here that have kids and all but 1 family had the kids with them, it was nice and fun..and to think next bday we will have our own lil rugrat with us!!!... so yes, i embraced 30 and feel fine about it. 
ok, so back to the last 2 days.. i woke up early tuesday morning with cramps, bad cramps, vomiting and poop. it was very yucky, everytime i laid down the cramps started and then i started timing them.. thinking can this be early labor?!.. shit! im not ready for this?!.. over 2 hrs passed of this and i called the drs office crying... i was emotional and of course after reading my books and seeing i had symptoms of preterm labor i was sure Bubble was going to come out at 26.3 weeks... nope, dr. said i had a 24hr bug and that i needed to go home, rest and just eat bread.. i was so wiped out and exhausted that i laid around the rest of the day.. the dr was a bit concerned because i was not feeling Bubble move around like i had before, and said we would be in touch today, so anyways, i wasnt feeling Bubble move this morning, juice, bread, nothing got the baby going, so i called & they had be have 2 large cups of juice & lay still, if Bubble didnt move 5 times in an hr, they wanted to see me.. ok- end of story, Bubble is fine... heart beat was at 169 and there was enough amniotic fluid and so all is well. Bubble is moving a bit more tonight, which is nice.. Wilson and I were talking and he was kind of like "do you think youre over reacting?".. and in some ways i was, i was being hypervigilant about Bubble, but if something was to happen, I wouldnt be able to live with myself, and i feel so lucky and blessed to be having such an easy pregnancy that i was just waiting for the bomb to drop, like "sorry jenny, we threw you a bone but were gonna fuck with you and heres Bubble at 26 weeks, ready to come out.." i admit i cried, i prayed and asked for Gods help, we want Bubble to stay in my tummy till the very end.....
Although wilson and i spend lots of time together, we ve been feeling a bit lost lately, i had been planning on taking him for a mini trip to napa, before Bubble comes, just as a get away, and today he tells me hes feeling the same way, and wants to go back to hawaii!!!... i admit it would be nice, but not sure thats what i want to do 8 months pregnant and for all that money! i showed him the costs and he says "nah"... but that he doesnt wanna do a napa trip either, but i really would like some kind of lil get away, pre-baby... a nice time to explore a new area and be away from the day to day stress....
school is really overwhelming me right now, i dont think its the pregnancy, so much as its just school.... just under a month to go and then- BREAK!!! exciting!!!.. i can not wait.. ok, 
im tired and ready for sleep. xoxo

how quickly time goes by....

Spring is here.. or atleast it feels that way, the weather has been really nice and its been great to be outside.. i feel more motivated and happy when its sunny and nice out... we went to the beach last week, had such a nice time.. walking around, watching the pups have a ball and just laying in the sun... we got back and i had gotten some color, which of course i love!!!... 
feeling good, sunday will be 26 weeks, ive noticed some changes in my ability to get comfortable on the couch and in bed,but otherwise im doing good!!!..after going to the drs last week i was rather anxious about my weight gain and changes in my body, i went for 3 walks in 1 day because it was nice out and i was feeling so self conscious.. wilson does his best to be so sweet and tell me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me and of course it makes a difference but at the same time, i still feel like a huge boat.. or whale!.. yuck!
school is school, i feel like i have very limited motivation, i go to class, do my assignments but thats about it... 
we were watching an "in-depth intervention" last night about drug addicted mothers, if anyone knows me theyll know thats one of my favorite topics, and well my hearts went out to these women, but now that im pregnant i feel like my feelings have changed, more empathy and concern for that sweet lil baby...anyways, my dream last night was SOO SOO vivid, it was about me having a baby girl.. i had a baby girl; and we forgot to buy a carseat so that wilson stayed at the hospital with the lil baby while i went to buy the damn carseat and i was mad because we didnt have any gift cards with us and we were forced to buy it with cash.... weird!!...what does all that mean!?.. 
so yeah, 30 is knocking at my door. next monday is the birthday that puts me in a new category and im unsure how i feel about it!... i saw a friend today who says 30 is the new 20... and that made me smile, i want to embrace my new age but at the same time, im like...how the hell did i get here?!.. i still remember my early 20s like they were yesterday... and there are days i think i can still hang like that, but as i know from my drunken nights- i can not!!!!
the baby shower gifts arrived from NY this week, overwhelming!!!.. theyre still in boxes, im hoping to organize them some this weekend, somehow... and start to wash them and be able to hang them up.. we decided that once our friend who is gonna visit around easter leaves, we will really clean the rooms well and switch rooms, it shouldnt take more than a day. wilson says a half day but we will see... itll be exciting to get things ready, making it more and more realistic... 
being that april is here, itll fly by and then may and then-- school will be done!!! yaaaaaay.. i cant wait.. ill have some time with just wilson before bubble comes.. we need to talk to my mom & firm up plans for when she will come out.. were looking at her staying for about a month, a lil before the due date and then a few weeks after.. even though she drives me nuts, she is loving and will be helpful... we need to help pay her bills while shes here, so thats something we need to also figure out- so much to do!!..
ok, back to my crocheting.. yes, i crochet!

Back to Reality

Vacation is over and now, its back to reality.. the trip to NY was good, quick and chaotic but good... I was able to see the family and have my shower.. mom and alice were excited and did lots of planning and executed a nice shower.. it can be a tricky balancing act between mom and alice, 2 different personalities that seem to clash often, and i felt in the middle... i know pegs out in left field and sometimes doesnt make sense, but then at the same time she means well and cares alot.. and alice at times can be sharp around the edges, and i just wanted to make everyone happy.. i was missing wilson lots, and he was so cute, missing me... he said this was the most hes ever really been sappy without me, made me feel good inside..
24 weeks is here, and the belly is popping out more.. went for our 6 month check up today, alls well. weight is adding on, im sure the calzones, icecream and junk i ate in ny didnt help.. she says im "rock solid" and on point for my weight gain, but still it bothers me inside to see the scale continually go up, anxiety comes in, and i get a lil nuts... i know that i can keeo going to the gym and watch what i eat, doing my best and in the end this is for bubble and its all gonna be ok... 
i find myself more emotional now than before, crying as i left my family, watching tv and yesterday when i deleted my paper by accident.. 
we were so blessed with all the goodies that people shared with us at the shower, bubble has soo soo many clothes already!!!.. alice got bubbles bedding, and a very cute carpet of a momma and baby elephant.. im getting exited to put the room together and were just trucking along with time... 
30 is sitting at my door, about to knock.. that should be interesting in itself.. insane how its gotten here!.. i still remember by 21st and 22nd bday like it was last year.. where does the time go?!.. 

Lazy Days

Lazy Days is what Ive been having lately... TV time, naps, no gym, walking dogs or anything else.. 
I dunno what is coming over me, yes- i know pregnancy but still come on, give me a break!!.. how much can one being lay around... 
Happy to say that spring break is here!!!.... Ill be heading to NY on late tuesday night, ill get in on wednesday morning, alice will fly in a few hrs later and then the fun, busy times will begin!!. No major plans, just family time.. getting ready for the baby shower and catching up with some old friends.. its been ages since ive seen some of the people who will be at the shower.. my best friends mom will be there, to know she passed away 14 years ago and i rarely see her mom.. sometimes i feel awkward and bad, like here i am doing all the things her daughter never got to do, graduate high school, get married, college, and now a baby... but then again, its comforting to see her.. 
theres about 45 people that will be at the shower, thats alotta people, gonna have to be social and a good host.. which im unsure about..but exciting to celebrate the pregnancy.. 
speaking of pregnancy and baby; the other night i was laying next to wilson and he swore he felt the baby move, i was like youre crazy!.. you think you felt the baby move all the way through my stomach?!.. liar... well, he was right! the other day after a HUGE lunch, i was taking my nap and Bubble kicked my stomach so hard i could feel it through my stomach.. wow.. it was crazy..i love it, i put my hand down on my tummy so i can feel it more.. it doesnt happen tons, but i still love to know that Bubble is moving around... and has something to say. 
week 23 is here... insane to think that 17 weeks till Bubble is here; the time is gonna go by so fast, by the time i get back from NY itll be almost april! then my bday!.. 30... then the semester will be wrapping up, and then summer time.. which will be great.. and then Bubble.. Bubble time... : )
ive started to clean and organize the office room, were gonna switch rooms so that we can have the bigger room, w/ the baby and the smaller one-- will be for a spare room/ baby stuff.  i told wilson that id like to get alot of it done in april, before im too big or too tired to care.. 
ok, im getting tired... ill be hitting the hay soon!
its gonna be a busy few days... thursday will be wilson and my anniversary, and since im gonna be gone, i think that were gonna celebrate some on tuesday in SF and then he'll drop me off at the airport... i have no idea how to celebrate our anniversay, the big 6...and what i can give him, i  dunno what he wants...i need to do some brainstorming and think of a good idea.. 
ok, now its bed time.. 

When will I learn?!

Ok, you would think by age 29 I would know when I am hungry and when Im not... so yes, i was with some friends who had a burrito bar for dinner, I make myself a HUGE quesidilla with guacamole on it, and eat the whole damn thing.. GROSS... it seems to be a pattern of mine.. i did it today with oatmeal and then a bowl of yogurt... i mean i know that im not eating mc donalds every day, all day but still it makes me feel so gross... i begin not to like myself and feel uncomfortable.. i feel fat and unsure of myself. Sometimes i have these horrible thoughts, fatty girl thoughts, thoughts of purging and hatred and i know that is all wrong. im carrying a child and i cant do anything that can hurt this baby, i dont even want to have bad thoughts in my mind, cause i feel like they transpire to bubble and thats not good. i dont wanna have a baby that is like me; insecure filled with self dislike and have icky thoughts like i have. 
ive been feeling kinda down and hormonal lately, i was sick and feeling horrible all of yesterday; its like when i get a cold it really knocks me to the ground and i just cant do anything. i went to bed early the night before, and slept most of yesterday... i felt like wilson was being crabby and not loving on me.. i get so sulky and then i get mad, having a pitty party for myself ...and get truly annoyed with him... i get all these silly thoughts in my head, and they fester... ughhh....
on the other hand, i went and got my hair done today, i love seeing my hairdresser; she cracks me up and is so silly. she cut my hair much shorter than i planned and gave me bangs!! but i think i really like it.. well at least i like it...i wonder what wilson will say! i havent cut my hair in a few years, so itll be a change.. and im kinda disappointed that the color underneath hair couldnt go away.. its a copper color now.. i was wanting the whole thing to go blonde.. but what can ya do.. she said that itll prolly take another visit to get the whole things blonde again, but change is good. right?!.. 
im sad to think of posting this, prolly my most sulky post. but i guess like cant be roses all the time... until next time...

I shouldn't be left alone!

Ohhh lordy! what a day, nothing major but i have to admit funny. 
wilson and i were at costco looking at random things we dont need (and the few things we do need, like a car seat!) when we got separated , nothing major.. except for the man that i thought was wilson!!.. i ended up walking next to the guy, rubbing his arm and then trying to hold his hand on the cart!!!!!!!!! Yes, folks. i am a blonde.. The guy was brownish like wilson, and had a green jacket on just like wilson.. c'mon give me a break!! wilson and other costco goers saw this... once i realized what happened, i couldnt stop laughing.. wilson was hysterical and people were staring at me-- i told bubba (thats my special name for wilson) this is why he cant leave me alone! we laughed the whole time we were at costco, lordy, i worry about myself.. im surprised i've made it to 29, with 30 knocking on my door.. week 21!! were now more than half way there, and in the teens of weeks until Bubble arrives... i found myself rubbing my stomach at church, getting emotional thinking about Bubble and that i can not wait to meet this lil love...he/she has really changed wilson and i already- and we cant wait for the future. it all seems so amazing. i went to a friends for dinner last night, they have a 2 week old baby, i love seeing him, looking at him and thinking that sooner than later i am going to have a lil lovely just like this in my arms.. i booked my ticket for NY, for my baby shower and to see my family. im very excited about it- as for close cousins, im the first one in the family.. my other cousins are 24 and 26 and dont have kids, i guess were the ones that wait.. so yeah, i think its an exciting time for my family, as i bring a baby into it... the FIRST not all white baby too-- haaahaaa. .. aunt karen calls it a mocha something baby.. no matter what, this baby will be amazing and beautiful. i look at wilsons pics as a baby, and he was adorable!!! i wasnt so bad either, so i think itll be a good combo!.. 
so yeah, my bestie and i arrive on the 23rd of march, and then the shower is on the 26th.. and we leave the 27th, a whorl-wind trip but will be great. ill get to see my great aunt.. spend time with her, and shes over the moon about the baby. i cant wait to see what she has made for Bubble. what ever it is that shes made, were  going to treasure it!!!!  
what else has really gone on?.. ohhyeah, we had our 20 week check up, saw new pics of Bubble, who was not being very photogenic! He/she had their face to my spine, so no face shots, and we had them not tell us the gender, and they didnt tell the Dr. either, which i like, allows for it to be a surprise for all of us. Dr.D said that everything seems to be going well, weight gain an 1lb! (Hollar!!) and babies heart beat is good at 160, and my tired symptoms are all very normal and within range.. a nap a day, im telling ya, its what i have to have or i feel like im dying.... speaking of nap, i took one, walked the puppies and here i am ready for bed.. i really need to go to the library, work on school work and then i was gonna hit the gym for a lil bit. ive been eating like MAD all week, and well i worry about my weight. im not psycho like i was in the beginning, but i still worry. im weighing myself each monday so i can keep myself on track, i dont really deny myself anything, but try to think about things before consuming them, like sugar, fat and if im really hungry or lying to myself. just to eat. ive had a harder time working out, i think my days of spinning are gone till Bubble is out, my <3 rate just gets outta control and wont come down and thats not good. so treadmill, eliptical, and weights is what it looks like its gonna be. boooooring. but what can i do?! as long as im exercising, when i dont, i find myself getting a lil depressed. and thats not good. 
ok, off this computer- gotta get organized for the week!.. xox

Ice cream and pirogies for dinner

Its not cravings, like im going to hurt someone if i dont eat.. but what i want for dinner tonight is ice cream & piriogies!! Tomorrow will be 20 weeks... YAY for 5 months!!! Baby bubble is doing well, as far as i can tell. I feel like my belly is growing some, everyday wilson is making sweet cute remarks about my growing belly! he loves to hold and rub my belly as we sleep, helps me feel a bit more secure about my tummy and weight. i do get anxious about gaining weight, i started weighing myself each week, but when i see the number crawl up im not upset and that makes me happy.. i want to be in control and not hurt Bubble with any of my insecurities.. 
we go for our monthly check up next week, and we get to see our Baby Bubble for the first time in 2 months-- super exciting!.. itll be great to see how much Bubble has grown!!!... i get anxious, i have really unrealistic worries sometimes.. like is there really a baby in here?.. has something happened to Bubble and i dont know it?..  like the other day Luna (our youngest dog) jumped on my stomach when i was in bed, and it hurt!.. then i think did something happen to Bubble?.. did Luna moosh Bubbles brain?.. or its arms or something?.. weird i know.. 
wilsons so stinkin cute!.. i usually wake up before him and watch tv, a baby story and bringing home baby- and now he wants to watch bringing home baby with me, he says it makes him feel  better prepared and that it helps us see and know what we need to do.. too cute.... we've been stroller shopping.. ughhh.. what a pain in the a$$. grrr, its expensive and they are huge.. so many of then are ugly, cheaply made and over priced!!.. so here we are looking at these BOB strollers, pricing in the $400 range.. ughh!.. and thats not with a car seat, attachment for car seat, etc... ohhmy.. but when were at Babies r us, wilsons looking at all this stuff, and showing me baby bags, and all these fun things, for us.. i look forward to the showers, in a month (actually less than a month!!) ill have my baby shower in NY, i cant wait. it'll be great to see friends and family.. and the next time i see them- ill be a mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did i mention, we got a new car?!! yep... were the proud owners of a new car, its a ford taurus x, its a SUV, big but not toooo massive, has room for the pups, Bubble and us.. has lots of great features and im really excited to have it, and its in my NAME.. yes, my credit is great, and now i can have things in my name. im so happy & proud. ive really been working on making my credit better, and its paid off...
ok- time to empty closets.. they are annoying me!!!.. 
xoxo

sniffles for how long?!

well, ive decided to break in the maternity pants.. not sure if i mentioned that in the last post... i gave in, took the tags off and have been wearing them... can you say COMFY!.. yes, theyd be perfect for the buffet lines of vegas!!! after my lil break down last week, ive decided to embrace comfort and move forward.... 
speaking of moving forward; thats what the church service was about last week.. forgiveness and moving forward.. i found myself crying, as i thought of my dad.. the man that was my idol for years, my rock and hero, i havent spoke to him for years, havent seen him, since he decided to take on his new family and allow his new cunt to treat us like shit... we call her CWC-- it means baaaadness, so i wont say it on here. so yeah, i wrote him a letter (havent sent it yet) letting him know that im pregnant(he doesnt know yet) and that i have forgiven him for his shitty behavior and that we are lucky to have such amazing friends and family and our child will be blessed with love and care. at some point in time, ill have to mail it.. 
so the title of this blog is about the pregnancy and this cold.. ok, so theres lots of fun things that come along w/ pregnancy.. stuffy nose and sniffles is one of those things.. but that i have been fine with it-- until this cold moved in!.. i hate being sick, it really annoys me.. so ive had a cold, that has knocked me over, sore throat, achy bones, chills the works.. so i went to the drs today, hoping there was some magic pill she was going to give me, nope.. that wasnt it.. just a cold that i cant do much about.. i havent gone to the gym for almost a week, and she said i may not be up to going back for another week.. really?!.. ughh. 
ive been conscious about my weight, weighing myself on monday mornings.. and so far, good.. according to the drs. i gained 1lb last month and then when i was at drs last week they said i gained another 1lb.  but with no gym, i feel insecure... i told the dr that i dont feel pregnant and she said thats good, means im doing well with the pregnancy and in good health, makes me feel good!
2 of my friends had babies on monday, lil valentines babies!! baby Louis and baby Victor.. i cant wait to see them, i think itll bring some realization to me about what itll be like to have my own baby.. almost half way there.. hard to believe it.. 


yesterday was the anniversary of when my best friend died... 13 years has passed, i took this year hard in some ways, id find myself crying- wishing that she was here.. what it would be like to share my experience with her, would she had kids?.. what would things be like?.. im lucky to be where i am, but at the same time.. i would have liked to share my life with her... 


all in all, life is good.. sniffles and all. 

Lucky!

When i look back on the past few days, i can not help but smile. i am soo sooo lucky. wilson is really amazing, there are times that he can drive me insane, and my hormones get out of whack, but all in all, i looove him and he has been so incredible through out this pregnancy and the past few months. dont get me wrong, hes been my best friend and great husband for years, but he has totally stepped it up lately!!! the other day, i was exhausted, annoyed and didnt want to go to school, i come home to roses on the table for me, and he tells me that he knows i was having a bad day and wanted to make it better.. yesterday we had our usual wednesday night tv time together, then cleaned the house together and i needed to pick out an outfit for an important event at school- i had gone shopping, trying & trying to find something, found a few tops but no pants! so i figured i could attempt to do something from my old wardrobe- long story made short, nothing worked, i got upset and figured in the am i would go to target. overwhelmed with things, and time constraints, i didnt get to target. as we left for the gym, i started crying, about all the things i needed to, and blah blah... wilson took a different exit and we went to target, hit the jackpot with 2 pairs of nice maternity dress pants and and a sweater. went to lunch, took a few minute nap- and headed to the event in my new clothes!.. felt comfy and had a good day and night. i am so blessed to have this life, if you asked me 10 years ago, even 5 or 6 if i thought id have this kinda life, i wouldnt have said so... wilson and i married and loved each other, but it was a different love and understanding.. what we have now is soo soo amazing and seems like the best marriage/ relationship i know! if bubble (thats what we call the baby) can see our marriage like it is now, he/she will a good start on life, a better one that we had... and isnt that what all parents want?

Snug as a bug... in a rug

16 week check up went great! Bubble decided to be heard today and so we could hear the <3 beat! Last visit we tried with no luck, but that was just fine cause we got extra ultrsound pictures! Dr. said all seems well and Im going along just fine. I only gained 1 pound since last month, that was such a relief to me, I worry that they will tell me ive gained too much weight or something of the sort, although i know weight gain is in my future and my body is changing, i think i am getting more comfortable with it, and knowing that things will be ok... I am working hard to take care of myself and bubble... Been tired the last 2 days with just not feeling great, and so im  taking it easy.. gotta let myself rest and feel better!.. Made it through the 2nd week of class, I need to figure out how to make it thru night classes, since im tired by 6pm... 


Not much to say really. off to bed.. 1130 pm.. xox

Here We Go...

Learning to Blog.... here goes nothing.. i hear of family and friends who blog, they love it, and enjoy it... being a lil nutty i thought this maybe a good way to express ideas, thoughts, feelings and my ideas on life. 
Tomorrows my 16th week of pregnancy, feeling good for the most part and excited to see how things will go over the next 24 weeks! I've been trying to keep up with the gym, eating as healthy as i can (but i LOVE cheese, bread, and yummy food!!) I feel unattractive, like people look at me and think, why does this chubby girl not get her booty to the gym?! does she know how to eat better?!.. i feel like i should wear a sign that says, "im trying! but im pregnant!" Looking at myself at the gym can be so discouraging, tummy blubber staring at me in the mirror.... i hate it, drives me nuts.. and i have had my boughts with craziness and eating issues and i have to tell myself this is not the time to become a food nazi. Bubble (thats what we call the baby) needs me to be stable, eat and not act all crazy! I just wish i looked pregnant, so that i'd feel like people could/ would understand me.. that is if they even notice, care or think im fat. 
i feel so lucky, i have this amazing husband who loves me, cares for me and is so generous. often i can not believe this is my life, how did i get so lucky?!.. life was crazy soap opera, that somehow ended in a fairytale. wilson and i have had out battles and ups and downs, but if we can keep on this path for the rest of our lives, life will be sweeeeet!!
i applied for a 10k scholarship the other day, fingers crossed i have a good chance at getting it, it would so be a big help next year, with the baby, internship and not being able to work too much, itll help us pay tuition and get by. 
school started this past week; NO motivation! i would just sit there, doodle and not care about what they had to say, thats prolly not good. i need to rejuvenate myself, and really get in the school mood.. gotta get a killer gpa to help boost last semesters... 
ok, enough blogging for day 1. xoxo