Exhaustion has set in....

Yesterday became 37 weeks... so Bubble is now "full term" and we have our weekly appt tomorrow, and we will see where we go from there... we will see if i have dilated more and what the plan of action is. Overnight bags are packed, sitting at the edge of the couch, and waiting to be taken w/ us.. we installed 1 of the baby carseats into my car (the main car bubble will be in), we need to take it to the police station to make sure that it is installed correctly- all in all, i think we're doing well on this timeline... 
Ive been trying to keep up on things, and not let the house completely fall apart... It was a busy weekend, we had Cassies wedding and so that took up most of friday and then saturday.. it was nice, wilson and i havent seen each other much, and so when we were at the wedding eating lunch, it was like we were in our own world, on a date... we talked about life, plans for the next few days and such, like noone was there.. the one thing i wish the wedding has, was music for dancing.. i love dancing with wilson and wished we had time to dance.. like i mentioned, i havent been able to see much of wilson, the 2 jobs are keep him busy and it drives me nuts.. i am used to his old job, about 25hrs a week, and lots of time to play together!!! today is his only day off, poop. we've made plans to have some photos done tonight of us, as the pregnancy shots... i wish i looked differently pregnant, but cant do anything about it.. i was able to obtain my pre-pregnancy weight, and according to the drs office, ive gained 33lbs.. in someways, i dont feel like i look like ive gained that much.. but then ill see pictures of me, and im like holy shit!.. i look like a cow!... not impressed... one of my friends had a baby about 3 weeks ago and of course she looks like she NEVER even had a baby, and although i can want that, i feel like im not that lucky, but i sure will try.... 
my left arm is starting to go numb, my mom said it happened to her too.. the mammory glads are getting full and can cause circulation problems.. and speaking of circulation.. my feet are looking sexxxxxxy... got me some kankles.. yummy..  but in the end, we will have a lil sweet baby in my arms and it will be well worth it.. 
i cant wait. ok, off to rest.. because i get so tired, even after just running a few errands.. 

a world wind past few days....

Home from the bachorlette party....and i survived it... it was an interesting time... i mean it was good over all, it was interesting being that i was sober.. and one of the only outings/parties where i haven't been drinking.. i get anxious around people, social settings and people that i dont really know... so we met sat morning, did pedicures, lunch, frozen yogurt and then we hit SF.. did dinner, strip clubs and a bar... i went back to the hotel w/ 2 other girls around midnight (exhausted w/ swollen feet!!!) meanwhile, amongst the business i had noticed that Bubble hadn't really moved.. and so i kept a close eye on this, Bubble hadnt really moved friday night at bed time (i chalked it off to nerves), and all of saturday. By Sunday i was not feeling great and worried about Bubble. I called the ob office and they directed me to go to the local hospital UCSF right away, go to labor and delivery (eeeekkk!!!) and get things checked.. so to make a long story short, Bubble was fine.. Fluid levels were excellent and a good heart beat.. so they're not sure whats going on, and perhaps the baby is just getting squished.. Of course after the trip to the hospital, i felt reassured and better.. So, on with the bachorlette party, did lunch, haight ashbury, shopping and headed home... To top things off, we got home i made a sandwich got on the couch and Bubble went nuts, moving all over the place!! seriously?!!.. bratty baby and not even born yet!!
So yeah- that was Sunday... todays Tuesday.. and had my 36 week check up.. had a long ultrasound session and got to see Bubble from all different angles.. apparently this baby has lots of hair!! they could see it in the ultrasound!! ohh geez, that must be some head of hair!!!.. so Bubble looks to be around 6lbs 11oz so far, good length and heart beat... and THEN... when the Dr. went to check me, she informed me that i am 1.5cm dilated!!!!...wow... insane.. she said that i can prolly hang on for another 2 weeks or so, but i she doesnt think ill make it to my due date of july 17th...  so of course i was in shock! called wilson @ his work, he was over joyed and kinda freaked! My mom wont be in till July 5th, and i really hope Bubble can hold on until then!!.. 
This has lit a fire under my a$$ and i assume wilsons too.. i did some of Bubble's laundry tonight, bed sheets and such so we can be somewhat prepared!!
Some of the bachorlette pics were just posted.. ughh, looking at myself really gets me down.. i feel huge.. i look huge and its just so sad feeling.. im hoping that i will be able to lose some weight instantly, and then get back on track with losing the baby weight and perhaps even more... i had been trying to lose weight when i conceived, so hopefully i can lose another 30 lbs after the baby weight!.. 
A friend of ours just had her baby in early june, and of course she looks fantastic in her bikini, i mean she looked good pre baby and so now, shes back to normal, i have to admit it makes me jeans.. everyone keeps telling me im "all belly" (what does that mean??!!).. and so maybe that belly will just drop right off.. a girl can dream right?!.. 

ok, ill keep the blog posted on whats taking place!!.. and keep Bubble and i in your thoughts!

experiment!

Finally thought i'd try to upload a picture.... this is Bubble at 20 weeks... tomorrow we will get the 36 week ultrasound. it'll be great to compare!!!!

8 down, 1 to go!!

ok, so today i was in a meeting, went to sign some papers and realized... holy canoli!!.. ONE month from TODAY, is bubbles due date.... holy sh*t is really the more appropriate phrase.. ya know from what i hear from others, i feel good, but at the same time, im feeling tired, uncomfortable (like i ate too much) and just kinda unmotivated.... i feel like the day races by and all too often ive done nothing!.. it kills me.. iml looking more and more pregnant, which makes me feel good cause maybe people dont just think im fat, but at the same time, i feel huge and kinda gross... people are telling me that i am "all belly" whatever that means, so im hoping that itll be easy for me to lose the baby weight and maybe some more!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is one of my good friends bachelorette parties in SF, should be a nice time...in some ways i just wanna lay on my couch and go nowhere! but itll be fun and an outing before baby comes.. its kinda tricky cause i only know 1 girl (besides the bride) and i get anxious around people, and one girl who i dont know very well just crawls under my skin and makes me nuts.. so im like, ohh lordy, 36 hrs w/ this girl.. and i cant even drink!!!
life is good overall, the main family that i sit for is gonna come to an end for a while.. monday will be my last night with them for sometime.. im not sure when/how ill make it back to them. thats something that we will need to figure out once baby comes, and my pregnancy disability runs out!!! thats one thing i am super excited about... my dr. really advocates that we file for it, and so im gonna try and see what happens. 
wilson and i are back to our corny old selves, we went to the baby class which helped bring us together, and then we he didnt have to work doubles, he started sleeping back in the bed, and he said that he was missing me soo much that he sleeps there every night, which makes me a happy happy girl... he was holding me the other night and i was sound asleep, but i guess he could feel the baby moving all around, which really made him happy... he's still working alot, which is hectic and hard for us, but today was his last day of the 2 week training, so hopefully he will be around more in the day, we can go back to the gym and have some time together..... next week is insane, drs appt and lots to do and then at the end of the week, its cassies wedding :) it'll be nice to go together and then after the wedding, life will calm down... time to rest. and then mom will be here the night of july 5th... when wilson and i realized its only a month to go, we've realized that our list to do is large and we need to get a move on it!! but then we laughed, once mom is here.. she will be helpful too, so we can procrastinate more!.. 
i dont know if i mentioned this in my other blog, but ive decided that were gonna take some pregnancy photos.. i wasnt going to, but if i dont i think ill regret it. and wilson agrees its a good idea, and maybe itll help me see the beauty in my body, holding this baby...... 
ok, time to pack and bed.. getting ready to take on SF at 36 weeks pregnant... lol.... 

More bitter than sweet.

Yep. That's how ima feeling these days! Its been a myriad of things, in some ways i feel so secluded and alone, and in other ways im annoyed that im busy. this past weekend (friday thru monday) i worked, and as a nanny/sitter my job is not that strenuous but still, i ended up working like 25 hrs in 4 days, for a girl who hasnt been working much- thats alot!! so of course i had a lil pity party for myself, and to make things more icky, wilsons been working alot, he started training for a 2nd job, and this is the first job hes ever had where has a training for 2 weeks, 9-4 5 days a week, and then after that he goes to work.. so to say the least hes been cranky, tired and were not seeing each other. we're the annoying couple that does everything together, and i think that is why im feeling lonely and alone. hes been in a funk for a few days now, which is just crappy. apparently i  was snoring one night and so now he sleeps on the couch- how charming. i cant help it, the dr said its from the pregnancy and the way they baby is sitting...so now i sleep with a dog or 2 in the bed, and i miss him.. i just feel like were growing apart at a time in our lives when we should be bonding and getting closer...  hes not sure if his main job is gonna work out, because the 2nd job is asking more of him, and so he went to talk to them and they werent sure..... i knew this would happen and feel annoyed and frustrated.. i told him this would happen and that the 2nd job isnt solid so dont burn all his bridges, but as a man who doesnt listen, he does the opposite and now- who knows where we're at... 
sitting at 34 1/2 weeks, insane.. we start our baby classes tonight, which will be exciting and im sure overwhelming at the same time. each wednesday night for the next 5 weeks!!!! then itll be time for bubble's arrival!!!.. i booked my moms ticket for july 6th, so thats good. one more thing done.. and then bubble can arrive any time after she is here... ive found my exercise routine is taking longer and happening less, i am in love with the couch- which is unlike me, but i just cant help it. it can be such a relief to sit down and just take it easy... im only going to work till 36 weeks for my one family, because they live 90 mins away and i dont wanna risk anything.. so thatll be 2 more mondays of work and im done.. after that is a friends wedding, summer school, & moms arrival.. so things will stay busy till babys arrival.. 
i wish i didnt feel so bitchy & negative.. all so often when people are like this i think "god, just stop it, life is amazing, be positive" but now here i am the crab... ive found myself crabby & kinda depressed, so im going to talk to the midwife about it on friday and see what she says, im thinking its just a rush of millions of hormones hitting me and my emotions are just all over the place.. 
time to get ready for the baby class, if only i could go in my cozy bathrobe.... 

the crazy panic anxiety train is here....

yep. the crazy, panic, hormonal, anxiety train is here.. and i am on it!!! ive been getting excited about the arrival of Bubble, but at the same time feeling so critical of myself and unsure what is to come in life. so let me back up, give you a warning: i am nuts!! and then let you know about whats been going on, ok- so we have some neighbors who are super sweet!.. they have a lil girl who is about 5 months old, "annielu." they always bring us over lil snacks and food and come to see how im feeling, their dog also plays with one of ours, so we see them on a frequent basis..but anyways, the other day they came over and we all were just talking and i found myself feeling distant from annilu, i had no real interest in playing with her, or holding her.. i thought that was weird,but didnt think much about it.. so today they came over & asked if we could watch her for a lil while while they were packing (theyre moving) of course we said yes, and wilson was ALL over annilu, i mean i find it to be cute, sweet and wonderful because it gives me a glimpse of how he will be with our kids (AMAZING!!) but at the same time, the same feeling of distance came over me.. i ended up giving her some of her bottle and while she fussed i rocked her to sleep.. one would think, as a woman who is about to have a baby; that i would be eating this up.. but nope- it was the opposite.. on the inside i was freaking out.... the most insane thoughts were running through my mind, like "should i call an adoption agency?!" "if im not loving this baby, how can i or will i love my baby?", "shes cute and all but i dont love her!".... so of course these feelings continued.. in talking w/ a friend she said that she had some similar feelings and thoughts as she went to deliver her baby!.. i was like phewww, but still felt weird inside. wilson and i went to our godsons pre-k graduation.. as we got there and were waiting for it to begin, we talked about how i was feeling, he said he could sense a feeling of distance w/ me and annilu, and continued to try and comfort me by telling me what a great mom ill be, that im caring, etc... yes, of course its great to hear these things, but at the at same time im not sure i believe him.. seeing our godkids made me feel better, i love them & love seeing them. baby victor (our 1st godchild) is 5, and we have known him since he was born, and so we have a special connection with him, like he is our son.. his mom & i were in college together when she got pregnant.. and so its been a long time and a special bond..
i guess as the countdown goes on, feelings like this will continue.. i was thinking about talking to the dr. some, letting her know that im feeling a bit depressed and try to prevent any post partum depression that may occur.. my mom and i both have had issues with depression and i wanna do my best to be there for the baby and not feel so distant and sad.
im feeling fat & gross (again) for a lil while i was feeling okay about myself and my body, but not lately... especially today, when i was trying on an outfit for the graduation, i was soo soo disgusted with how i looked in the mirror.. gross! i could have picked out 100 parts of my body that i dont like.. my arms look so huge and i just look like i have a fat gut, no baby.. just gut... of course i found this article that was talking about loving your body,but i think its easier said than done..
im trying to work as much as i can these days, this past weekend i worked 3 days and then this weekend ill work friday-monday, so thats good. im trying to save money as much as i can, so we can pay for my moms ticket, and just the usual bills... wilsons job is good, but hes not making nearly as much as he used to- so itll be an adjustment...
so yeah, im on board my crazy train, and im hoping to be off it soon.