Thursday, June 2, 2011

the crazy panic anxiety train is here....

yep. the crazy, panic, hormonal, anxiety train is here.. and i am on it!!! ive been getting excited about the arrival of Bubble, but at the same time feeling so critical of myself and unsure what is to come in life. so let me back up, give you a warning: i am nuts!! and then let you know about whats been going on, ok- so we have some neighbors who are super sweet!.. they have a lil girl who is about 5 months old, "annielu." they always bring us over lil snacks and food and come to see how im feeling, their dog also plays with one of ours, so we see them on a frequent basis..but anyways, the other day they came over and we all were just talking and i found myself feeling distant from annilu, i had no real interest in playing with her, or holding her.. i thought that was weird,but didnt think much about it.. so today they came over & asked if we could watch her for a lil while while they were packing (theyre moving) of course we said yes, and wilson was ALL over annilu, i mean i find it to be cute, sweet and wonderful because it gives me a glimpse of how he will be with our kids (AMAZING!!) but at the same time, the same feeling of distance came over me.. i ended up giving her some of her bottle and while she fussed i rocked her to sleep.. one would think, as a woman who is about to have a baby; that i would be eating this up.. but nope- it was the opposite.. on the inside i was freaking out.... the most insane thoughts were running through my mind, like "should i call an adoption agency?!" "if im not loving this baby, how can i or will i love my baby?", "shes cute and all but i dont love her!".... so of course these feelings continued.. in talking w/ a friend she said that she had some similar feelings and thoughts as she went to deliver her baby!.. i was like phewww, but still felt weird inside. wilson and i went to our godsons pre-k graduation.. as we got there and were waiting for it to begin, we talked about how i was feeling, he said he could sense a feeling of distance w/ me and annilu, and continued to try and comfort me by telling me what a great mom ill be, that im caring, etc... yes, of course its great to hear these things, but at the at same time im not sure i believe him.. seeing our godkids made me feel better, i love them & love seeing them. baby victor (our 1st godchild) is 5, and we have known him since he was born, and so we have a special connection with him, like he is our son.. his mom & i were in college together when she got pregnant.. and so its been a long time and a special bond..
i guess as the countdown goes on, feelings like this will continue.. i was thinking about talking to the dr. some, letting her know that im feeling a bit depressed and try to prevent any post partum depression that may occur.. my mom and i both have had issues with depression and i wanna do my best to be there for the baby and not feel so distant and sad.
im feeling fat & gross (again) for a lil while i was feeling okay about myself and my body, but not lately... especially today, when i was trying on an outfit for the graduation, i was soo soo disgusted with how i looked in the mirror.. gross! i could have picked out 100 parts of my body that i dont like.. my arms look so huge and i just look like i have a fat gut, no baby.. just gut... of course i found this article that was talking about loving your body,but i think its easier said than done..
im trying to work as much as i can these days, this past weekend i worked 3 days and then this weekend ill work friday-monday, so thats good. im trying to save money as much as i can, so we can pay for my moms ticket, and just the usual bills... wilsons job is good, but hes not making nearly as much as he used to- so itll be an adjustment...
so yeah, im on board my crazy train, and im hoping to be off it soon.

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