Saturday, October 15, 2011


AAAAAMAZING BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel soo soo lucky... anderson is incredible. thank you god. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


in so many ways life is amazing, i see anderson and i smile. the way he smiles and coos when he sees me is amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything, at the same time i find my (our) relationship with wilson way different. we have nothing to talk about, dont spend time together, he doesnt sleep in the bed with me (anderson and i wake him up), and i feel no connection. ive really been trying to have this connection, being he is the father of anderson and we are married, but the more i force it, the less i feel. we had a serious talk, and i let him know how i really feel, and promises were made (arent they always) and we started to see a couple from our church who work with alot of couples who are having a tough time. we went 2 times so far, and i felt hopeful... but then at the same time i felt like wilson was putting on a show, cause once we got home he was flustered that i had told our business to them. (how else are they gonna help??!!!!)  things are just like a rollercoaster and im not sure i can keep up, and that scares me on many levels...
i started back to the gym, which has been great, helping me feel alive and better about myself, so thats good. its just finding the time & energy, ya know?.. i really thought id be in better shape by now, i look at myself and get soo soo disgusted, but then i go and eat gross stuff, like a block of cheese or snickers icecream bars.. why?! who knows?!.. cause im an emotional eater, i guess.. i dont find myself hungry, but then i eat. i ear for a variety of reasons.. i wont be hungry but then i realize its been HOURS and hours since ive eaten,  so then i eat because they say thats important cause of the breastfeeding, and then there are times im Starving!!!! but overall i eat just to eat (gross!!) and this makes me hate myself more..
well, husbands on the couch sleeping - cause hes mad at me, and baby is asleep. i guess ill go to night-night land too... heres to hoping life gets better