More bitter than sweet.

Yep. That's how ima feeling these days! Its been a myriad of things, in some ways i feel so secluded and alone, and in other ways im annoyed that im busy. this past weekend (friday thru monday) i worked, and as a nanny/sitter my job is not that strenuous but still, i ended up working like 25 hrs in 4 days, for a girl who hasnt been working much- thats alot!! so of course i had a lil pity party for myself, and to make things more icky, wilsons been working alot, he started training for a 2nd job, and this is the first job hes ever had where has a training for 2 weeks, 9-4 5 days a week, and then after that he goes to work.. so to say the least hes been cranky, tired and were not seeing each other. we're the annoying couple that does everything together, and i think that is why im feeling lonely and alone. hes been in a funk for a few days now, which is just crappy. apparently i  was snoring one night and so now he sleeps on the couch- how charming. i cant help it, the dr said its from the pregnancy and the way they baby is sitting...so now i sleep with a dog or 2 in the bed, and i miss him.. i just feel like were growing apart at a time in our lives when we should be bonding and getting closer...  hes not sure if his main job is gonna work out, because the 2nd job is asking more of him, and so he went to talk to them and they werent sure..... i knew this would happen and feel annoyed and frustrated.. i told him this would happen and that the 2nd job isnt solid so dont burn all his bridges, but as a man who doesnt listen, he does the opposite and now- who knows where we're at... 
sitting at 34 1/2 weeks, insane.. we start our baby classes tonight, which will be exciting and im sure overwhelming at the same time. each wednesday night for the next 5 weeks!!!! then itll be time for bubble's arrival!!!.. i booked my moms ticket for july 6th, so thats good. one more thing done.. and then bubble can arrive any time after she is here... ive found my exercise routine is taking longer and happening less, i am in love with the couch- which is unlike me, but i just cant help it. it can be such a relief to sit down and just take it easy... im only going to work till 36 weeks for my one family, because they live 90 mins away and i dont wanna risk anything.. so thatll be 2 more mondays of work and im done.. after that is a friends wedding, summer school, & moms arrival.. so things will stay busy till babys arrival.. 
i wish i didnt feel so bitchy & negative.. all so often when people are like this i think "god, just stop it, life is amazing, be positive" but now here i am the crab... ive found myself crabby & kinda depressed, so im going to talk to the midwife about it on friday and see what she says, im thinking its just a rush of millions of hormones hitting me and my emotions are just all over the place.. 
time to get ready for the baby class, if only i could go in my cozy bathrobe.... 

the crazy panic anxiety train is here....

yep. the crazy, panic, hormonal, anxiety train is here.. and i am on it!!! ive been getting excited about the arrival of Bubble, but at the same time feeling so critical of myself and unsure what is to come in life. so let me back up, give you a warning: i am nuts!! and then let you know about whats been going on, ok- so we have some neighbors who are super sweet!.. they have a lil girl who is about 5 months old, "annielu." they always bring us over lil snacks and food and come to see how im feeling, their dog also plays with one of ours, so we see them on a frequent basis..but anyways, the other day they came over and we all were just talking and i found myself feeling distant from annilu, i had no real interest in playing with her, or holding her.. i thought that was weird,but didnt think much about it.. so today they came over & asked if we could watch her for a lil while while they were packing (theyre moving) of course we said yes, and wilson was ALL over annilu, i mean i find it to be cute, sweet and wonderful because it gives me a glimpse of how he will be with our kids (AMAZING!!) but at the same time, the same feeling of distance came over me.. i ended up giving her some of her bottle and while she fussed i rocked her to sleep.. one would think, as a woman who is about to have a baby; that i would be eating this up.. but nope- it was the opposite.. on the inside i was freaking out.... the most insane thoughts were running through my mind, like "should i call an adoption agency?!" "if im not loving this baby, how can i or will i love my baby?", "shes cute and all but i dont love her!".... so of course these feelings continued.. in talking w/ a friend she said that she had some similar feelings and thoughts as she went to deliver her baby!.. i was like phewww, but still felt weird inside. wilson and i went to our godsons pre-k graduation.. as we got there and were waiting for it to begin, we talked about how i was feeling, he said he could sense a feeling of distance w/ me and annilu, and continued to try and comfort me by telling me what a great mom ill be, that im caring, etc... yes, of course its great to hear these things, but at the at same time im not sure i believe him.. seeing our godkids made me feel better, i love them & love seeing them. baby victor (our 1st godchild) is 5, and we have known him since he was born, and so we have a special connection with him, like he is our son.. his mom & i were in college together when she got pregnant.. and so its been a long time and a special bond..
i guess as the countdown goes on, feelings like this will continue.. i was thinking about talking to the dr. some, letting her know that im feeling a bit depressed and try to prevent any post partum depression that may occur.. my mom and i both have had issues with depression and i wanna do my best to be there for the baby and not feel so distant and sad.
im feeling fat & gross (again) for a lil while i was feeling okay about myself and my body, but not lately... especially today, when i was trying on an outfit for the graduation, i was soo soo disgusted with how i looked in the mirror.. gross! i could have picked out 100 parts of my body that i dont like.. my arms look so huge and i just look like i have a fat gut, no baby.. just gut... of course i found this article that was talking about loving your body,but i think its easier said than done..
im trying to work as much as i can these days, this past weekend i worked 3 days and then this weekend ill work friday-monday, so thats good. im trying to save money as much as i can, so we can pay for my moms ticket, and just the usual bills... wilsons job is good, but hes not making nearly as much as he used to- so itll be an adjustment...
so yeah, im on board my crazy train, and im hoping to be off it soon.

Im'a Trying....

Baaaaamm!! 32 weeks has come!!
 thats 8 months, with a very serious countdown happening now!!
went for our visit the other day, met with the last of the midwives, she was super nice, calm and made me feel much better.... i started crying, i worry about Bubble- as i look around i see all of these other pregnant woman who look bigger than i am, way more pregnant and i started thinking that i have done something to Bubble, making it so that he/she is not growing right.... all of my insecurities and issues had transferred into this baby..but that is not the case!!.. she told me that im measuring on track, and the baby even measures a lil big!!.. pheww!! so that was a relief, my tiredness is normal and to be expected and everything seems to be in order... ive been trying to pull a few things together for the babys room, found some of my old baby books & put them in the shelves, the jungle stickers are up on the wall near the changing table and it looks more baby like.. im trying to be productive, on whatever level i can.. im gonna start making a list of things that i would like to do and work on, and get to them when i can... made it to the gym today, but reality has hit me that i need a new swimsuit- but swimsuit shopping when your 8 months pregnant and self conscious is not a fun thing.. i feel gross, fat and like a whale.. all these articles tell me not to think like that, and embrace the baby and body change.. but it can be hard to do.  im trying to think good thoughts and sometimes i just wish that i would really look pregnant & not just fat.. cause in my eyes, i dont look 8 months pregnant.. ohh well.. not much i can do about that. 
so yeah, im trying to get to the gym when i can, do things around the house and in general so that i feel like i accomplish things and im not such a blob. 
wilson, is amazing, when i feel down and out he is there.. there with a smile, a hug or just tells me something that makes me smile and feel better. i feel so lucky & fortunate to have a husband like him to be with me though out life and this journey. Bubble (and future children) will be so lucky to have a dad like him... 
speaking of dads- i dont speak to mine, he was my rock and idol for years, but that hasnt been the case in a long, long time.. but anyways, lately i have been having feelings and thoughts about telling him that i am pregnant (hes the only family member that doesnt know!!).. ive written him a letter, yet to mail it, but i think the time is almost there. i guess once i send it, we will have to see where things go.... and how he responds and feels about this. being that i am his only biological child, this will be his only biological grandchild.. 
ok, time for some 4 cheese lasagna... yummmy!! its one of the only things i can make!!
night night!

slowly but surely...

Just got back in from a great lil trip.. a girlfriend from college is about to have a baby, shes staying in northern cali for her delivery and for a few weeks, with no school i was able to take advantage of the time and went to see her.. its about a 4.5 hour drive, through the bay area and tons of vineyards... soo nice.. anyways.. it was great to see Heather and just kick back.. the weather was great, and so we spent alot of time outside!!.. we walked all around the downtown area, and ate lots!!!.. it was great.. went to bed early, woke up early to walk to breakfast, take a walk, lie by the pool, went for another walk, a tour of a buddist university, lunch and then headed home!!.. 
although it was nice being gone, in the sun & catching up with heather, its good to be home.. wilson put together the shelving unit that one of our friends gave us, its great, because now we can organize the clothes & cloth bins so that things are neater... and then i put up some of the jungle animal stickies on the way, above the changing table and on the wall... amazing how a small change can make such a difference in the room... over the next few weeks, i wanna open the other boxes of stuff and organize it better... we're going to put up the crib and then start doing the laundry... im glad im able to start ahead alil, since i feel like time is flying... .
i signed up to take a summer class- in july.. yup.. same month that the baby is due.. but its only once a week and my professor knows im due, and this will lighten my course load later on.. so the good news is that its only 4 saturdays in july, the rest is online..and hopefully ill be able to hang on and feel good.. 
been feeling good, a bit tired and discouraged at times, but thats ok... at almost 8 months,  i think being tired is ok.. but sometimes, as i look at my body, i feel a bit down.. i see changes in my body that haven't been that great. im feeling fat- and not that pregnant... seeing heather with her belly, made me jealous.. she looks great. no cellulite, nice big round belly and just looks pregnant- not fat... why cant that be me?!.. last week, or was it the week before, i was good, sticking to the gym.. and doing well, but then sometimes, i just fall off the wagon.. time to get back on.. tuesday is my 32 week check up.. hoping for no more 6lb increases!!.. 
i did the birthing center tour this past monday- its nice!!.. but at the same time, scary.. like holy cow, this is real- the baby is coming & is gonna come out of ME!!.. eeeek... but yeah, back to the birthing center, its seems nice, its small & personal.. and its all about the mother & her needs and plans.. 
ok, time for bed, its been a long day!!!.. xoxo

Moving forward and feeling stuck-

well, the good news is that i finished my first  year of grad school, and only 2 years left.. in the spectrum of life, the year went by pretty quick.. lots of hiccups and times i questioned if i wanted to be in the program, but all in all, its done with.. and if i can stick with it for another 2 years, ill have my masters and be able to have the jobs that i have often dreamed of, and hopefully we will be moving up to the bay area and starting a new kind of life.. one with our family and good jobs.. as well as living in the city!!!.. we miss the city life, in so many ways.. the ability to walk places, have different types of foods and just enjoy city life.. but anyways- yes. i need to keep that goal in my mind so that i can move forward thru school... so yeah- last night was my last night of class, all papers, projects & presentations have been completed, and i can enjoy my days, without having to go to class at 6pm.. i will be taking a summer class in july, to balance out my course load- thatll be interesting, as i will be about ready to pop!!.. ive already made plans with my professor so that when i have the baby, i can miss class & if need be- bring Bubble with me to class or have wilson or my mom bring Bubble in for a feeding.. 
it was my first day off, and it was a busy one!!.. tomorrow is my Cali baby shower..although my friend is throwing it for me & has done sooo soo much of the work, there were still some things to do today.. then i cleaned up the house a bit- as we will have a lil company over after the shower.. one of my best friends Weiling will spend the night, and her house is always clean and i hate feeling like i have to try to make the house nice and make things so i dont feel embarrassed... anyways, shes so cute & sweet.. she has booked us a spa day for sunday, she got me the prenatal massage and i am soo sooo looking forward to it.. back to the shower, itll be nice to see all these girls, i think theres about 30 coming!! some i havent seen in a long time.. but at the same time- i get anxious, i really feel weird being the center of attenetion and having to entertain people...
 i feel good for the most part, no complaints....except for my hips, groin & back...  i asked the dr. about the pain- its all normal and the baby is moving its way down, and the joints start getting loose.. woa!!!! 
so i had my 30 week check up, alls well... met with the 2nd midwife the other day, it was weird- shes mentioning about packing a bag & being ready.. and im like WOAH!!! wait up!!! im not ready!!.. how can this be?!... and i know shes talking about just being prepared and all that- but it seems too soon.  before i know it, Bubble will be out of my belly & into my arms...
wilsons found a new job, so things are looking up, but at the same time.. sometimes i wonder if my expectations or needs for what i want in wilson are too much.. i love him dearly, he is soo amazing and loving, but at the same time, i get so hurt when i dont see him changing...  who am i to tell him he has to change?.. its not my business to be airing his business, but i guess it does just affect me, and i worry about what life will be like... i only want the best for him and us... 
ok, time to rest & then hit the hay.. big, long day tomorrow!!

30 is here, AGAIN!!

30 is here again... and well since my 30th birthday passed a month ago, im talking about Baby Bubble. Exciting times, sitting at 7.5months!!!. I was laying down today (what i do lots) and was telling wilson that in a way im going to be sad once Bubble is out of my belly, its been such a great time and its been special, Bubbles been with me at all time and then itll be different once Bubble is here, of course im excited to meet this lil one and move to the next part of our lives...
30 weeks or almost 30 weeks is going well, feeling big! the tummy is starting to show more and more and wilson laughs at the way im walking and getting up.. im not sure how i feel about things, in alot of ways and times, i dont think i look pregnant yet, just fat..and that makes me self conscience. But to see wilsons expressions and excitement when he sees Bubble growing makes me feel good inside. 
so yeah, alls well... the final week is looking at me point blank in the face, i feel pretty good about it, for once.. i have 3 papers due. ive done 1 in its entirety, another is almost done; its a good solid draft and then the last paper & presentation will get started tomorrow.. itll be quite the adjustment once school is over with, ill have even more free time than i have.. should be interesting. ive contacted a few of the families that i sit for to let them know i am available... wilson and i talked, i think that ill work for all families until 36 weeks, then im just gonna take a break and wait it out till Bubble comes. A good friend is getting married so we have a bachelorette party when im 36 or 37 weeks and then her wedding the week after, so those activities will keep me busy enough. 
life is getting back on track, wilson has found 2 jobs... and has taken both of them, hes started training for the one restaurant and then did his paperwork for the other one today. the one hes started is only open in the nights, so hes gonna try to balance both jobs for as long as he can... we will survive no matter what, but its nice to know that things are working out.. its been really nice having him at home, but at the same time...work & productivity is good. im kind of hoping that he will only do both jobs till Bubble comes, but we will see. 


ok- time to focus on the kick count!!!... night! <3


and for anyone random who is reading this- pls send positive fertility thoughts to my cousin.. at babytalk. shes 
waiting for her 2week window to see if her iui worked :) 

Ups, downs and all around...

its just been over a week since i last blogged... and well, what a week its been!!!... ive been super sensitive (crying at the drop of a hat), peeing every 5-10 mins, and things have just been hectic. Wilson came home early from work on saturday, announcing that he would be looking for a new job, i was a wreck.. in so many ways... i had felt like we had a pretty good routine with his job, they knew that the baby was coming, and we had talked about taking some mini babymoons before baby came... i blamed myself since we had been on rough terms for a few days. anyways, after going for a nice walk, crying and talking things through, we were better. we can overcome anything, we have had real rough times before... where we didnt know where our money was going to come from, our marriage was shaky and we conquered these, so we know we can overcome anything.. so, things have been better since then, and i know in my heart that the right job will come along and things will be okay. that was that.. schools coming to an end, thank goodness- im looking forward to having a summer, i may take a summer class so that i can be in school less next semester when Bubble is around... hard to believe that time is going by so quickly, not sure what im going to do all summer- i think im going to cut back any babysitting once i get to 36 weeks, just in case.. today is 29 weeks, so i have a while to go till 36weeks..
Motivation came over us today and we rearranged the bedrooms, were making it so that we have the larger room, so we can have room for the crib with us and then the guest room/office will kinda be a baby room but kinda not.. not really sure where were going with that, but we will see.. so anyways, wilson was moving our very heavy mattress and it hit the tv screen, i freaked and went to grab the mattress and my fertility goddess went and hit the tv in the corner.. yup.... the one and only tv we have- it seemed real bad in the beginning, the tv didnt work at all, i cried.. appologized over and over again, and felt horrible.. wilsons just telling me its ok, just a tv, blah blah blah.. but i couldnt get over it.. anyways. i ran an errand, came back and the tv was on, yes, there is a large rainbow streak down the side, but the picture is there for the most part... sometimes it just feels like its one thing or another.. but i guess thats life...
so yes 29 week.. im feeling great, but feeling large... its like this big belly thing is in my way and can be a real pain, but then wilson reminds me that its Bubble and we have to love on the belly..
exhaustion has really been setting in, i think its par for the course, but still... i gotta get thru the next 2 weeks of school and then i can sleep all i want....
ok, i have lots to do and have to be up early... heres to having a husband who amazes me all the time... and hormones that make life an adventure!!