im going to blame everything on hormones, cause i dont know what else to blame things on... i just feel kind of insecure... unattractive, unwanted and just sad...
we have company right now, a friend from vegas with her 2 pups... we dont mind her company, just cause shes so laid back and is really here just to take the dogs to the beach, relax and get away... but at the same time- whenever we have company, or for the most part- wilson gets kinda cranky, and it just makes things weird, he can be hard to please and likes things the way they are without company... i know and see where hes coming from, that yes, company can be a hassle and you have to be somewhat accommodating but at the same time- give me a break. and how is he gonna be when the baby is here?.. the baby will be another person in our home and for a long time!! and will that somehow adjust our relationship? will he see the baby as a hassle?.. i usually feel like hes very excited and happy about the baby, and maybe its just me...
the end of the semester is RIGHT around the corner, and i think thats part of my anxiety, i have lots to do, and feel unmotivated, i have a professor who is being mean to me about missing a class when i was sick and the dr. told me that i couldnt go to class, its like great- the never ending battle with him doesnt seem to be coming to an end soon. im really looking forward to school ending, itll be a nice break time and hopefully ill have motivation to do things and prepare for Bubble.. our plan is to start working on the switch of rooms when our friend leaves...
OMG, peeing, is out of control!!!... insane, i really feel like i cant stop peeing, once i sit down i realize i gotta go again and its driving me nuts!! awesome!..
saw the dr. for our check up the other day, alls on track!.. and doing well, ive gained about 23 lbs and she said thats great!.. i feel huge, but not pregnant huge, not that cute belly huge, but that "ohh does she drink alotta beers & eat junk food?" pregnant. i guess that also plays into my crazy insecurties, i feel unattractive and icky.. i know deep down and in the end wilson loves me more than anyone else does, but right now its really bothering me and i feel lost... i feel like i probably bother him w/ so many other things im not sure if i wanna bring it up or just ignore it..
ok- time to pee and work on thank you cards for my shower!!
night!
Learning to Blog.. processing my life and pregnancy.. 30 year old, married to my Bestie, a student; in school and life. Learning that being nuts is part of life and I am one lucky gal!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
shes right.....
as i was walking the pups today, i was thinking about my pregnancy, the blog and how fortunate i have been in my life now and with this pregnancy... here i am writing these silly lil entries and then i read about these women who are trying for years and years to conceive, and here i go, within a few months of having unprotected whoopie, i get pregnant.. i think of my cousin and some friends who have been trying long and hard to have a baby, their strength and perseverance amaze me, and i dont want them to think that they are going unthought of, i am grateful for what i have, and can only hope others can share in the same joys of life as me.
Friday, April 15, 2011
yes, i did..
now, since noone really reads my blog, they wont be thinking .. she did what?!... but i guess that the beauty of this, i can say whatever i want and noone will read it, or noone i know!!! (except my cousin sarah)... so, anyways back to the story.. we were on one of our costco binges the other day, buying everything they had in stock when we went down the sock & underwear isle.. and what did i buy?.. yes.. granny panties.. some nice, full coverage underwear... and i tried them on today-holy moly!! can you say cozy?!... yes.. i think i will be leaving victoria secrets behind for some time and buying my undies from costco wholesale...i hear and read all these things about after the baby and how i will be wearing my lovely period diaper and underwear and what more could i want post baby than cozy undies?!..
life is life, i hate complaining of having poopie things happening, but thats kinda how its been the last 2 days..
i guess i should back up, 30 is here!.. 30 came on monday, we had a nice lazy day and then i was gone in the afternoon, but tuesday we had made plans to have a BBQ/ dinner party.... we had about 15 friends over, carne asada, tamales, and yummy foods. we ate lots and just enjoyed friends company, for some reason i found it to be stressful, we cleaned up (last minute) and thats what got me, i was stressed about people coming over, getting everything done in time, etc and of course things were fine.. i get awkward about hosting events, and feel like a balancing clown... its interesting to see how the dynamics of our friends have changed, there were about 4 couples here that have kids and all but 1 family had the kids with them, it was nice and fun..and to think next bday we will have our own lil rugrat with us!!!... so yes, i embraced 30 and feel fine about it.
ok, so back to the last 2 days.. i woke up early tuesday morning with cramps, bad cramps, vomiting and poop. it was very yucky, everytime i laid down the cramps started and then i started timing them.. thinking can this be early labor?!.. shit! im not ready for this?!.. over 2 hrs passed of this and i called the drs office crying... i was emotional and of course after reading my books and seeing i had symptoms of preterm labor i was sure Bubble was going to come out at 26.3 weeks... nope, dr. said i had a 24hr bug and that i needed to go home, rest and just eat bread.. i was so wiped out and exhausted that i laid around the rest of the day.. the dr was a bit concerned because i was not feeling Bubble move around like i had before, and said we would be in touch today, so anyways, i wasnt feeling Bubble move this morning, juice, bread, nothing got the baby going, so i called & they had be have 2 large cups of juice & lay still, if Bubble didnt move 5 times in an hr, they wanted to see me.. ok- end of story, Bubble is fine... heart beat was at 169 and there was enough amniotic fluid and so all is well. Bubble is moving a bit more tonight, which is nice.. Wilson and I were talking and he was kind of like "do you think youre over reacting?".. and in some ways i was, i was being hypervigilant about Bubble, but if something was to happen, I wouldnt be able to live with myself, and i feel so lucky and blessed to be having such an easy pregnancy that i was just waiting for the bomb to drop, like "sorry jenny, we threw you a bone but were gonna fuck with you and heres Bubble at 26 weeks, ready to come out.." i admit i cried, i prayed and asked for Gods help, we want Bubble to stay in my tummy till the very end.....
Although wilson and i spend lots of time together, we ve been feeling a bit lost lately, i had been planning on taking him for a mini trip to napa, before Bubble comes, just as a get away, and today he tells me hes feeling the same way, and wants to go back to hawaii!!!... i admit it would be nice, but not sure thats what i want to do 8 months pregnant and for all that money! i showed him the costs and he says "nah"... but that he doesnt wanna do a napa trip either, but i really would like some kind of lil get away, pre-baby... a nice time to explore a new area and be away from the day to day stress....
school is really overwhelming me right now, i dont think its the pregnancy, so much as its just school.... just under a month to go and then- BREAK!!! exciting!!!.. i can not wait.. ok,
im tired and ready for sleep. xoxo
life is life, i hate complaining of having poopie things happening, but thats kinda how its been the last 2 days..
i guess i should back up, 30 is here!.. 30 came on monday, we had a nice lazy day and then i was gone in the afternoon, but tuesday we had made plans to have a BBQ/ dinner party.... we had about 15 friends over, carne asada, tamales, and yummy foods. we ate lots and just enjoyed friends company, for some reason i found it to be stressful, we cleaned up (last minute) and thats what got me, i was stressed about people coming over, getting everything done in time, etc and of course things were fine.. i get awkward about hosting events, and feel like a balancing clown... its interesting to see how the dynamics of our friends have changed, there were about 4 couples here that have kids and all but 1 family had the kids with them, it was nice and fun..and to think next bday we will have our own lil rugrat with us!!!... so yes, i embraced 30 and feel fine about it.
ok, so back to the last 2 days.. i woke up early tuesday morning with cramps, bad cramps, vomiting and poop. it was very yucky, everytime i laid down the cramps started and then i started timing them.. thinking can this be early labor?!.. shit! im not ready for this?!.. over 2 hrs passed of this and i called the drs office crying... i was emotional and of course after reading my books and seeing i had symptoms of preterm labor i was sure Bubble was going to come out at 26.3 weeks... nope, dr. said i had a 24hr bug and that i needed to go home, rest and just eat bread.. i was so wiped out and exhausted that i laid around the rest of the day.. the dr was a bit concerned because i was not feeling Bubble move around like i had before, and said we would be in touch today, so anyways, i wasnt feeling Bubble move this morning, juice, bread, nothing got the baby going, so i called & they had be have 2 large cups of juice & lay still, if Bubble didnt move 5 times in an hr, they wanted to see me.. ok- end of story, Bubble is fine... heart beat was at 169 and there was enough amniotic fluid and so all is well. Bubble is moving a bit more tonight, which is nice.. Wilson and I were talking and he was kind of like "do you think youre over reacting?".. and in some ways i was, i was being hypervigilant about Bubble, but if something was to happen, I wouldnt be able to live with myself, and i feel so lucky and blessed to be having such an easy pregnancy that i was just waiting for the bomb to drop, like "sorry jenny, we threw you a bone but were gonna fuck with you and heres Bubble at 26 weeks, ready to come out.." i admit i cried, i prayed and asked for Gods help, we want Bubble to stay in my tummy till the very end.....
Although wilson and i spend lots of time together, we ve been feeling a bit lost lately, i had been planning on taking him for a mini trip to napa, before Bubble comes, just as a get away, and today he tells me hes feeling the same way, and wants to go back to hawaii!!!... i admit it would be nice, but not sure thats what i want to do 8 months pregnant and for all that money! i showed him the costs and he says "nah"... but that he doesnt wanna do a napa trip either, but i really would like some kind of lil get away, pre-baby... a nice time to explore a new area and be away from the day to day stress....
school is really overwhelming me right now, i dont think its the pregnancy, so much as its just school.... just under a month to go and then- BREAK!!! exciting!!!.. i can not wait.. ok,
im tired and ready for sleep. xoxo
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
how quickly time goes by....
Spring is here.. or atleast it feels that way, the weather has been really nice and its been great to be outside.. i feel more motivated and happy when its sunny and nice out... we went to the beach last week, had such a nice time.. walking around, watching the pups have a ball and just laying in the sun... we got back and i had gotten some color, which of course i love!!!...
feeling good, sunday will be 26 weeks, ive noticed some changes in my ability to get comfortable on the couch and in bed,but otherwise im doing good!!!..after going to the drs last week i was rather anxious about my weight gain and changes in my body, i went for 3 walks in 1 day because it was nice out and i was feeling so self conscious.. wilson does his best to be so sweet and tell me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me and of course it makes a difference but at the same time, i still feel like a huge boat.. or whale!.. yuck!
school is school, i feel like i have very limited motivation, i go to class, do my assignments but thats about it...
we were watching an "in-depth intervention" last night about drug addicted mothers, if anyone knows me theyll know thats one of my favorite topics, and well my hearts went out to these women, but now that im pregnant i feel like my feelings have changed, more empathy and concern for that sweet lil baby...anyways, my dream last night was SOO SOO vivid, it was about me having a baby girl.. i had a baby girl; and we forgot to buy a carseat so that wilson stayed at the hospital with the lil baby while i went to buy the damn carseat and i was mad because we didnt have any gift cards with us and we were forced to buy it with cash.... weird!!...what does all that mean!?..
so yeah, 30 is knocking at my door. next monday is the birthday that puts me in a new category and im unsure how i feel about it!... i saw a friend today who says 30 is the new 20... and that made me smile, i want to embrace my new age but at the same time, im like...how the hell did i get here?!.. i still remember my early 20s like they were yesterday... and there are days i think i can still hang like that, but as i know from my drunken nights- i can not!!!!
the baby shower gifts arrived from NY this week, overwhelming!!!.. theyre still in boxes, im hoping to organize them some this weekend, somehow... and start to wash them and be able to hang them up.. we decided that once our friend who is gonna visit around easter leaves, we will really clean the rooms well and switch rooms, it shouldnt take more than a day. wilson says a half day but we will see... itll be exciting to get things ready, making it more and more realistic...
being that april is here, itll fly by and then may and then-- school will be done!!! yaaaaaay.. i cant wait.. ill have some time with just wilson before bubble comes.. we need to talk to my mom & firm up plans for when she will come out.. were looking at her staying for about a month, a lil before the due date and then a few weeks after.. even though she drives me nuts, she is loving and will be helpful... we need to help pay her bills while shes here, so thats something we need to also figure out- so much to do!!..
ok, back to my crocheting.. yes, i crochet!
feeling good, sunday will be 26 weeks, ive noticed some changes in my ability to get comfortable on the couch and in bed,but otherwise im doing good!!!..after going to the drs last week i was rather anxious about my weight gain and changes in my body, i went for 3 walks in 1 day because it was nice out and i was feeling so self conscious.. wilson does his best to be so sweet and tell me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me and of course it makes a difference but at the same time, i still feel like a huge boat.. or whale!.. yuck!
school is school, i feel like i have very limited motivation, i go to class, do my assignments but thats about it...
we were watching an "in-depth intervention" last night about drug addicted mothers, if anyone knows me theyll know thats one of my favorite topics, and well my hearts went out to these women, but now that im pregnant i feel like my feelings have changed, more empathy and concern for that sweet lil baby...anyways, my dream last night was SOO SOO vivid, it was about me having a baby girl.. i had a baby girl; and we forgot to buy a carseat so that wilson stayed at the hospital with the lil baby while i went to buy the damn carseat and i was mad because we didnt have any gift cards with us and we were forced to buy it with cash.... weird!!...what does all that mean!?..
so yeah, 30 is knocking at my door. next monday is the birthday that puts me in a new category and im unsure how i feel about it!... i saw a friend today who says 30 is the new 20... and that made me smile, i want to embrace my new age but at the same time, im like...how the hell did i get here?!.. i still remember my early 20s like they were yesterday... and there are days i think i can still hang like that, but as i know from my drunken nights- i can not!!!!
the baby shower gifts arrived from NY this week, overwhelming!!!.. theyre still in boxes, im hoping to organize them some this weekend, somehow... and start to wash them and be able to hang them up.. we decided that once our friend who is gonna visit around easter leaves, we will really clean the rooms well and switch rooms, it shouldnt take more than a day. wilson says a half day but we will see... itll be exciting to get things ready, making it more and more realistic...
being that april is here, itll fly by and then may and then-- school will be done!!! yaaaaaay.. i cant wait.. ill have some time with just wilson before bubble comes.. we need to talk to my mom & firm up plans for when she will come out.. were looking at her staying for about a month, a lil before the due date and then a few weeks after.. even though she drives me nuts, she is loving and will be helpful... we need to help pay her bills while shes here, so thats something we need to also figure out- so much to do!!..
ok, back to my crocheting.. yes, i crochet!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Back to Reality
Vacation is over and now, its back to reality.. the trip to NY was good, quick and chaotic but good... I was able to see the family and have my shower.. mom and alice were excited and did lots of planning and executed a nice shower.. it can be a tricky balancing act between mom and alice, 2 different personalities that seem to clash often, and i felt in the middle... i know pegs out in left field and sometimes doesnt make sense, but then at the same time she means well and cares alot.. and alice at times can be sharp around the edges, and i just wanted to make everyone happy.. i was missing wilson lots, and he was so cute, missing me... he said this was the most hes ever really been sappy without me, made me feel good inside..
24 weeks is here, and the belly is popping out more.. went for our 6 month check up today, alls well. weight is adding on, im sure the calzones, icecream and junk i ate in ny didnt help.. she says im "rock solid" and on point for my weight gain, but still it bothers me inside to see the scale continually go up, anxiety comes in, and i get a lil nuts... i know that i can keeo going to the gym and watch what i eat, doing my best and in the end this is for bubble and its all gonna be ok...
i find myself more emotional now than before, crying as i left my family, watching tv and yesterday when i deleted my paper by accident..
we were so blessed with all the goodies that people shared with us at the shower, bubble has soo soo many clothes already!!!.. alice got bubbles bedding, and a very cute carpet of a momma and baby elephant.. im getting exited to put the room together and were just trucking along with time...
30 is sitting at my door, about to knock.. that should be interesting in itself.. insane how its gotten here!.. i still remember by 21st and 22nd bday like it was last year.. where does the time go?!..
24 weeks is here, and the belly is popping out more.. went for our 6 month check up today, alls well. weight is adding on, im sure the calzones, icecream and junk i ate in ny didnt help.. she says im "rock solid" and on point for my weight gain, but still it bothers me inside to see the scale continually go up, anxiety comes in, and i get a lil nuts... i know that i can keeo going to the gym and watch what i eat, doing my best and in the end this is for bubble and its all gonna be ok...
i find myself more emotional now than before, crying as i left my family, watching tv and yesterday when i deleted my paper by accident..
we were so blessed with all the goodies that people shared with us at the shower, bubble has soo soo many clothes already!!!.. alice got bubbles bedding, and a very cute carpet of a momma and baby elephant.. im getting exited to put the room together and were just trucking along with time...
30 is sitting at my door, about to knock.. that should be interesting in itself.. insane how its gotten here!.. i still remember by 21st and 22nd bday like it was last year.. where does the time go?!..
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Lazy Days
Lazy Days is what Ive been having lately... TV time, naps, no gym, walking dogs or anything else..
I dunno what is coming over me, yes- i know pregnancy but still come on, give me a break!!.. how much can one being lay around...
Happy to say that spring break is here!!!.... Ill be heading to NY on late tuesday night, ill get in on wednesday morning, alice will fly in a few hrs later and then the fun, busy times will begin!!. No major plans, just family time.. getting ready for the baby shower and catching up with some old friends.. its been ages since ive seen some of the people who will be at the shower.. my best friends mom will be there, to know she passed away 14 years ago and i rarely see her mom.. sometimes i feel awkward and bad, like here i am doing all the things her daughter never got to do, graduate high school, get married, college, and now a baby... but then again, its comforting to see her..
theres about 45 people that will be at the shower, thats alotta people, gonna have to be social and a good host.. which im unsure about..but exciting to celebrate the pregnancy..
speaking of pregnancy and baby; the other night i was laying next to wilson and he swore he felt the baby move, i was like youre crazy!.. you think you felt the baby move all the way through my stomach?!.. liar... well, he was right! the other day after a HUGE lunch, i was taking my nap and Bubble kicked my stomach so hard i could feel it through my stomach.. wow.. it was crazy..i love it, i put my hand down on my tummy so i can feel it more.. it doesnt happen tons, but i still love to know that Bubble is moving around... and has something to say.
week 23 is here... insane to think that 17 weeks till Bubble is here; the time is gonna go by so fast, by the time i get back from NY itll be almost april! then my bday!.. 30... then the semester will be wrapping up, and then summer time.. which will be great.. and then Bubble.. Bubble time... : )
ive started to clean and organize the office room, were gonna switch rooms so that we can have the bigger room, w/ the baby and the smaller one-- will be for a spare room/ baby stuff. i told wilson that id like to get alot of it done in april, before im too big or too tired to care..
ok, im getting tired... ill be hitting the hay soon!
its gonna be a busy few days... thursday will be wilson and my anniversary, and since im gonna be gone, i think that were gonna celebrate some on tuesday in SF and then he'll drop me off at the airport... i have no idea how to celebrate our anniversay, the big 6...and what i can give him, i dunno what he wants...i need to do some brainstorming and think of a good idea..
ok, now its bed time..
I dunno what is coming over me, yes- i know pregnancy but still come on, give me a break!!.. how much can one being lay around...
Happy to say that spring break is here!!!.... Ill be heading to NY on late tuesday night, ill get in on wednesday morning, alice will fly in a few hrs later and then the fun, busy times will begin!!. No major plans, just family time.. getting ready for the baby shower and catching up with some old friends.. its been ages since ive seen some of the people who will be at the shower.. my best friends mom will be there, to know she passed away 14 years ago and i rarely see her mom.. sometimes i feel awkward and bad, like here i am doing all the things her daughter never got to do, graduate high school, get married, college, and now a baby... but then again, its comforting to see her..
theres about 45 people that will be at the shower, thats alotta people, gonna have to be social and a good host.. which im unsure about..but exciting to celebrate the pregnancy..
speaking of pregnancy and baby; the other night i was laying next to wilson and he swore he felt the baby move, i was like youre crazy!.. you think you felt the baby move all the way through my stomach?!.. liar... well, he was right! the other day after a HUGE lunch, i was taking my nap and Bubble kicked my stomach so hard i could feel it through my stomach.. wow.. it was crazy..i love it, i put my hand down on my tummy so i can feel it more.. it doesnt happen tons, but i still love to know that Bubble is moving around... and has something to say.
week 23 is here... insane to think that 17 weeks till Bubble is here; the time is gonna go by so fast, by the time i get back from NY itll be almost april! then my bday!.. 30... then the semester will be wrapping up, and then summer time.. which will be great.. and then Bubble.. Bubble time... : )
ive started to clean and organize the office room, were gonna switch rooms so that we can have the bigger room, w/ the baby and the smaller one-- will be for a spare room/ baby stuff. i told wilson that id like to get alot of it done in april, before im too big or too tired to care..
ok, im getting tired... ill be hitting the hay soon!
its gonna be a busy few days... thursday will be wilson and my anniversary, and since im gonna be gone, i think that were gonna celebrate some on tuesday in SF and then he'll drop me off at the airport... i have no idea how to celebrate our anniversay, the big 6...and what i can give him, i dunno what he wants...i need to do some brainstorming and think of a good idea..
ok, now its bed time..
Friday, March 11, 2011
When will I learn?!
Ok, you would think by age 29 I would know when I am hungry and when Im not... so yes, i was with some friends who had a burrito bar for dinner, I make myself a HUGE quesidilla with guacamole on it, and eat the whole damn thing.. GROSS... it seems to be a pattern of mine.. i did it today with oatmeal and then a bowl of yogurt... i mean i know that im not eating mc donalds every day, all day but still it makes me feel so gross... i begin not to like myself and feel uncomfortable.. i feel fat and unsure of myself. Sometimes i have these horrible thoughts, fatty girl thoughts, thoughts of purging and hatred and i know that is all wrong. im carrying a child and i cant do anything that can hurt this baby, i dont even want to have bad thoughts in my mind, cause i feel like they transpire to bubble and thats not good. i dont wanna have a baby that is like me; insecure filled with self dislike and have icky thoughts like i have.
ive been feeling kinda down and hormonal lately, i was sick and feeling horrible all of yesterday; its like when i get a cold it really knocks me to the ground and i just cant do anything. i went to bed early the night before, and slept most of yesterday... i felt like wilson was being crabby and not loving on me.. i get so sulky and then i get mad, having a pitty party for myself ...and get truly annoyed with him... i get all these silly thoughts in my head, and they fester... ughhh....
on the other hand, i went and got my hair done today, i love seeing my hairdresser; she cracks me up and is so silly. she cut my hair much shorter than i planned and gave me bangs!! but i think i really like it.. well at least i like it...i wonder what wilson will say! i havent cut my hair in a few years, so itll be a change.. and im kinda disappointed that the color underneath hair couldnt go away.. its a copper color now.. i was wanting the whole thing to go blonde.. but what can ya do.. she said that itll prolly take another visit to get the whole things blonde again, but change is good. right?!..
im sad to think of posting this, prolly my most sulky post. but i guess like cant be roses all the time... until next time...
ive been feeling kinda down and hormonal lately, i was sick and feeling horrible all of yesterday; its like when i get a cold it really knocks me to the ground and i just cant do anything. i went to bed early the night before, and slept most of yesterday... i felt like wilson was being crabby and not loving on me.. i get so sulky and then i get mad, having a pitty party for myself ...and get truly annoyed with him... i get all these silly thoughts in my head, and they fester... ughhh....
on the other hand, i went and got my hair done today, i love seeing my hairdresser; she cracks me up and is so silly. she cut my hair much shorter than i planned and gave me bangs!! but i think i really like it.. well at least i like it...i wonder what wilson will say! i havent cut my hair in a few years, so itll be a change.. and im kinda disappointed that the color underneath hair couldnt go away.. its a copper color now.. i was wanting the whole thing to go blonde.. but what can ya do.. she said that itll prolly take another visit to get the whole things blonde again, but change is good. right?!..
im sad to think of posting this, prolly my most sulky post. but i guess like cant be roses all the time... until next time...
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